I've been waaaay too busy! I am going to try to do better, I promise!
I guess I should update on what has happened from the rest of summer until now.
1) I finished summer classes, and I did really well!!
2) Had a trip to Washington, D.C. for the Independence Day weekend...it did NOT turn out as well as I was anticipating. Let's just say that a bunch of irrational anger and assumptions put a damper on a lots of things; to cap it all off, my father is not too crazy about Taylor anymore for no valid reason. That, however, is getting worked out. I hope that as long as I can keep praying and asking for advice and guidance, God will provide all that the situation needs and it will be resolved when it needs to be. Realizing THAT took a very long time, but now that I have realized that it's not in my hands at all, and all I have to do is have faith....it's VERY comforting to know that I don't actually have to fix it immediately. God will give me enough strength and wisdom whenever I need it, and when it's fixed, it will be fixed quite wonderfully! :)
3) Taylor and I almost broke up. Our relationship was really serious from almost the start. We were too intense for our own good, I guess. We had to take a step back and really work on ourselves. We worked out some things, but we're still working on others. We know that it's going to be a loooong time before either of us are going to be ready to get married, so there's no point in feeling rushed and pressured. That will only destroy our relationship from the inside out. We know better now. :) :)
4) I visited home for a couple of weeks. I was able to spend lots of time with my family! I also met my mother's new boyfriend. As of this week or so, they're getting married. I have a few opinions about it, like I think it might be a little rushed (like they've-been-dating-for-2-months rushed), but for the sake of my mother's happiness, my mouth will stay closed. If she's happy, I guess I'm happy, too. I'm co-MOH with my sister, so that'll be fun. The wedding is November 28th. I hope she's genuinely happy with Robert. I don't know if I myself can handle another one.
5) School has started once again. I started senior year #1 (since I transferred and then changed majors, I had to tack on an extra year in order to get things done without wrecking myself) on Monday. I LOVE all of my classes. For education, I'm taking the literacy block, so I'll get to relearn phonics, reading techniques, writing techniques, better my communication with others, and learn how to teach all of these things as well. My teachers for those classes are so lovely; they all have such a passion and are so helpful in getting you where you need to be. :) I'm also taking Creation Studies, a required class that goes in depth with the creation/evolution debate. I find this class so interesting already! Then I've got 2 history courses; one is about the era of the American Revolution and the other is immigrant/minority history. The former is a hybrid class, so I only go once a week and then I teach myself the rest of it. I was a little nervous about that at first, but I'm loving it now! The latter is a great course too, especially because immigrant history has always intrigued me. I hope we get to study that in enough depth to satisfy this craving I have for it now!!
I'm very excited for what this year has to offer...I hope it's one of major growth for me. I need it. I hope I can be a role model for the students I will be teaching and observing this year with my practicum as well as to my peers. I hope I can be a source of encouragement. I hope I can remain even-tempered, even when it feels like I'm falling apart (because that does happen from time to time...it's part of life I guess). God has always held me together before, and I am certain that he will continue to do so!
Friday, August 28, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Oops...
I've been so busy I haven't thought of blogging at all. Woops. Maybe this isn't working out so much for me after all. We'll see how far I can go, though.
So, it's summer now. I'm taking summer classes; I've finished up the first session already (earth science + lab) and now I'm halfway through the second one (philosophy). I do like summer school...I never thought that I would. I guess I'm a nerd when it comes to school, though. I really enjoy the small class sizes and the intensity we move with. It's a perfect pace for me! There's not a lot of time to forget anything, and you're almost forced to learn the material quickly because of weekly exams. Great stuff!
I've been back to St. Louie once already for a wedding. My childhood friend was getting married, and I was able to go back home to see it! I also got to catch up with one of my oldest gal friends, which was really nice. I hadn't talked to her in about a year or two, and I was really grateful that I could do that. We're so different now, but we still get along great, almost like there hasn't been a rift between us.
Taylor and I are in separate places for the summer, but that doesn't affect us one bit!! We are very close, especially now. He's my best friend...and I'm not ashamed to say that my boyfriend is my bestie! I used to stand firm that a boyfriend should NEVER be a best friend, but now that it's happened, I don't see why I ever thought that. I suppose it would be terrible if we broke up, but we're planning on getting married, so I don't see a downside. He's been working at the jewelry store, and he called me the other night to tell me that he has pretty much picked out my ring. He's designing it through the store he works at...which also means an employee discount!! I know it will still be awhile before anything happens, but just knowing that he's decided on what to give me and that he's starting to work it out puts me at so much ease! I don't have a fear of being left alone, not at all! We're maturing in our relationship, and I love it. Taylor came to visit me for 5 days during my birthday weekend (I turned 21). It was nothing fancy, but I did get to spend my 21st with my dad and Taylor. And with my classmates. Because I still had school. Haha. But we will see each other again on Thursday (!) because we're meeting halfway for a day-date kind of thing. And then we'll see each other for a 4th of July trip my dad and I are taking. AND THEN we will be together for 2 weeks straight while I help his church with VBS and then when he comes home with me for a week to visit around. I CAN'T WAIT!!
I'm going home this weekend to see yet another wedding. My old friends just can't stay single! But that's okay. I'm just glad I get to see my family this summer, because last summer I worked at a camp, and saw them once. Suck city, man.
As for other things, I've been laying outside, trying to tan the natural way. I'm so scared of tanning beds. It's been working, but lately it's been cloudy and rainy and stormy, and so I haven't been able to lay out in the sunshine hardly at all. I've also been exercising more, which I'm very proud of myself for. I even bought some new workout tapes, one of which being a weight-loss yoga DVD and then a Dirty Dancing Dance Workout DVD (!!!). I've been really excited to do them, but when I get home, my dad is here. Usually about 20-30 minutes after lunch is my tanning and then exercising time, but I have to exercise downstairs for the time being because I need the TV. I can't exercise with my dad around...he'll try to make jokes and while he won't mean anything by it at all, I know I'd feel self-conscious and stop. So I will have to adjust and exercise with the DVD's when he retires to his room for the night. Other than that, I will resort to the stuff I was doing before in my room. I even bought cute little blue weights to tone with!
I've also been baking and cooking lately. I've conquered homeade chicken cordon bleu and about 3 different desserts. Plus simmered green beans. Basically I'm trying to practice for when I move out in about 2 short years, if that. I've also been cleaning and doing more chores by choice, which I'm also proud of. Someone's going to have to do it, it might as well be me! We (my dad and I) still have to sort through the stuff in the basement so that we can furnish that room completely, so that's the next big project. It's been a gung ho summer so far, and I'm excited for the rest of it.
OH and my dad bought a Chrysler Sebring hardtop convertible!! It's steel gray-blue and beautiful. I was able to drive it on the Blue Ridge Parkway all the way down to Roanoke, where we went shopping at the mall for a bit followed by a dinner at B-dubs.
Life is good right now, and I hope it stays this way for a loooong time.
So, it's summer now. I'm taking summer classes; I've finished up the first session already (earth science + lab) and now I'm halfway through the second one (philosophy). I do like summer school...I never thought that I would. I guess I'm a nerd when it comes to school, though. I really enjoy the small class sizes and the intensity we move with. It's a perfect pace for me! There's not a lot of time to forget anything, and you're almost forced to learn the material quickly because of weekly exams. Great stuff!
I've been back to St. Louie once already for a wedding. My childhood friend was getting married, and I was able to go back home to see it! I also got to catch up with one of my oldest gal friends, which was really nice. I hadn't talked to her in about a year or two, and I was really grateful that I could do that. We're so different now, but we still get along great, almost like there hasn't been a rift between us.
Taylor and I are in separate places for the summer, but that doesn't affect us one bit!! We are very close, especially now. He's my best friend...and I'm not ashamed to say that my boyfriend is my bestie! I used to stand firm that a boyfriend should NEVER be a best friend, but now that it's happened, I don't see why I ever thought that. I suppose it would be terrible if we broke up, but we're planning on getting married, so I don't see a downside. He's been working at the jewelry store, and he called me the other night to tell me that he has pretty much picked out my ring. He's designing it through the store he works at...which also means an employee discount!! I know it will still be awhile before anything happens, but just knowing that he's decided on what to give me and that he's starting to work it out puts me at so much ease! I don't have a fear of being left alone, not at all! We're maturing in our relationship, and I love it. Taylor came to visit me for 5 days during my birthday weekend (I turned 21). It was nothing fancy, but I did get to spend my 21st with my dad and Taylor. And with my classmates. Because I still had school. Haha. But we will see each other again on Thursday (!) because we're meeting halfway for a day-date kind of thing. And then we'll see each other for a 4th of July trip my dad and I are taking. AND THEN we will be together for 2 weeks straight while I help his church with VBS and then when he comes home with me for a week to visit around. I CAN'T WAIT!!
I'm going home this weekend to see yet another wedding. My old friends just can't stay single! But that's okay. I'm just glad I get to see my family this summer, because last summer I worked at a camp, and saw them once. Suck city, man.
As for other things, I've been laying outside, trying to tan the natural way. I'm so scared of tanning beds. It's been working, but lately it's been cloudy and rainy and stormy, and so I haven't been able to lay out in the sunshine hardly at all. I've also been exercising more, which I'm very proud of myself for. I even bought some new workout tapes, one of which being a weight-loss yoga DVD and then a Dirty Dancing Dance Workout DVD (!!!). I've been really excited to do them, but when I get home, my dad is here. Usually about 20-30 minutes after lunch is my tanning and then exercising time, but I have to exercise downstairs for the time being because I need the TV. I can't exercise with my dad around...he'll try to make jokes and while he won't mean anything by it at all, I know I'd feel self-conscious and stop. So I will have to adjust and exercise with the DVD's when he retires to his room for the night. Other than that, I will resort to the stuff I was doing before in my room. I even bought cute little blue weights to tone with!
I've also been baking and cooking lately. I've conquered homeade chicken cordon bleu and about 3 different desserts. Plus simmered green beans. Basically I'm trying to practice for when I move out in about 2 short years, if that. I've also been cleaning and doing more chores by choice, which I'm also proud of. Someone's going to have to do it, it might as well be me! We (my dad and I) still have to sort through the stuff in the basement so that we can furnish that room completely, so that's the next big project. It's been a gung ho summer so far, and I'm excited for the rest of it.
OH and my dad bought a Chrysler Sebring hardtop convertible!! It's steel gray-blue and beautiful. I was able to drive it on the Blue Ridge Parkway all the way down to Roanoke, where we went shopping at the mall for a bit followed by a dinner at B-dubs.
Life is good right now, and I hope it stays this way for a loooong time.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Am I writer wrong? (hahahahaha)
I've been thinking about writing a book lately. I don't want to say what it will be about right now, just in case. I will have to do some researching to see if anyone has written anything like this before, because if they have, I don't want to steal their ideas and their thunder. However, if it hasn't been written about, I don't want anyone stealing my ideas and my thunder! :) I'm excited though. If all is as expected, the next part will be to seek out the help of professionals around me in this wonderful place I'm at and see if I'm a heretic or not. Hahaha.
Bet you're intrigued now!
I think it would be a good experience to write a book. I'd get some street cred, maybe some royalties...that way, in case the teaching job market ever is slow (and there's no telling right now), there will be some income. Perhaps this will open a door and I can write children's books one day, or take art lessons and be an illustrator as well. Who knows? I've been given this idea for a reason...I'd like to see where it goes!
Other than that, I've just been living the college life, trying to keep juggling my 19 hours. 2 days of regular classes left. Just 2. I can do this. Two of my classes canceled the last session on Wednesday, which means I don't have to wake up until convo (which will be a cool one, since Miss California is coming to town!! No joke!). I have just 3 classes tomorrow, and that's it! I'll be done! I will have work, and I have some papers to write and finish, but the point is, I'm so close to the end. I thank God for getting me this far....I pray that he carries me completely through!
On another note, I get to go home for not one, but TWO weddings! Two of my childhood friends are getting married. I'm so happy for them! They are two of the kindest people I know, and so I'm elated that they get to spend their lives with someone special. I'm also pumped about seeing my FAMILY!!!! It's been waaaaaaaaaaaaay too long.
As I get older, I start to appreciate my family more and more and more and more. I can't help it. Once you start, you can't stop! They're so cool in their own ways. Yes, we have our differences, and yes, we fight, but still...we're a family, that's what happens. I love them all, they love me right back. I do wish they'd love each other a little more, but that's a whole other matter.
I'm very optimistic right now. I've been job hunting, and though nothing has come up yet, I'm hoping that the closer we get to graduation, the closer they are to calling me. I've applied for about 8 or 9 retail jobs so far; I don't have any retail experience, but I am a fast learner, a great organizer, and I work quickly when needed. However, I'm also looking for clerical work and daycare jobs. I'm also probably going to advertise myself as a part-time nanny. I do need work-related experience for education, and so maybe if I add in my description that I'll give lessons of some sort during my time together with the child, maybe that'll give me an edge.
There are SO many things I want to do this summer. I am taking classes, but they won't get in the way. Here's a brief list of the cheesy, typical summerish activities I dream of for this summer:
1) Exercise outside everyday
2) Go sailing in Nantucket (or somewhere else on Cape Cod)
3) Go to Coney Island
4) Go to Virginia Beach
5) Go camping!
6) Visit NYC with Kamilla
7) Go to carnivals and make Taylor win me stuff
8) Stroll on a boardwalk somewhere
9) Swim outside at least three times a week
10) Read all of Madeleine L'Engle's books
11) Read the CS Lewis books I wasn't able to finish
12) Get a good tan the natural way, while wearing sunscreen
13) Wear sundresses the majority of the week
14) Go to the drive-in
15) Go to Six Flags
16) Go hiking
17) Get a bike and ride it everywhere (Go green!)
18) Actually do some contributive work to Taylor's music endeavors with photography/design stuff
19) Go rollerblading through the park with Taylor
20) Be as nauseatingly adorable with Taylor as possible
(21....SAVE MONEY)
Not such a short list....and some of those things aren't exclusively summer things. But that's definitely what I want to do this summer. Hopefully I can accomplish at least half!
Bet you're intrigued now!
I think it would be a good experience to write a book. I'd get some street cred, maybe some royalties...that way, in case the teaching job market ever is slow (and there's no telling right now), there will be some income. Perhaps this will open a door and I can write children's books one day, or take art lessons and be an illustrator as well. Who knows? I've been given this idea for a reason...I'd like to see where it goes!
Other than that, I've just been living the college life, trying to keep juggling my 19 hours. 2 days of regular classes left. Just 2. I can do this. Two of my classes canceled the last session on Wednesday, which means I don't have to wake up until convo (which will be a cool one, since Miss California is coming to town!! No joke!). I have just 3 classes tomorrow, and that's it! I'll be done! I will have work, and I have some papers to write and finish, but the point is, I'm so close to the end. I thank God for getting me this far....I pray that he carries me completely through!
On another note, I get to go home for not one, but TWO weddings! Two of my childhood friends are getting married. I'm so happy for them! They are two of the kindest people I know, and so I'm elated that they get to spend their lives with someone special. I'm also pumped about seeing my FAMILY!!!! It's been waaaaaaaaaaaaay too long.
As I get older, I start to appreciate my family more and more and more and more. I can't help it. Once you start, you can't stop! They're so cool in their own ways. Yes, we have our differences, and yes, we fight, but still...we're a family, that's what happens. I love them all, they love me right back. I do wish they'd love each other a little more, but that's a whole other matter.
I'm very optimistic right now. I've been job hunting, and though nothing has come up yet, I'm hoping that the closer we get to graduation, the closer they are to calling me. I've applied for about 8 or 9 retail jobs so far; I don't have any retail experience, but I am a fast learner, a great organizer, and I work quickly when needed. However, I'm also looking for clerical work and daycare jobs. I'm also probably going to advertise myself as a part-time nanny. I do need work-related experience for education, and so maybe if I add in my description that I'll give lessons of some sort during my time together with the child, maybe that'll give me an edge.
There are SO many things I want to do this summer. I am taking classes, but they won't get in the way. Here's a brief list of the cheesy, typical summerish activities I dream of for this summer:
1) Exercise outside everyday
2) Go sailing in Nantucket (or somewhere else on Cape Cod)
3) Go to Coney Island
4) Go to Virginia Beach
5) Go camping!
6) Visit NYC with Kamilla
7) Go to carnivals and make Taylor win me stuff
8) Stroll on a boardwalk somewhere
9) Swim outside at least three times a week
10) Read all of Madeleine L'Engle's books
11) Read the CS Lewis books I wasn't able to finish
12) Get a good tan the natural way, while wearing sunscreen
13) Wear sundresses the majority of the week
14) Go to the drive-in
15) Go to Six Flags
16) Go hiking
17) Get a bike and ride it everywhere (Go green!)
18) Actually do some contributive work to Taylor's music endeavors with photography/design stuff
19) Go rollerblading through the park with Taylor
20) Be as nauseatingly adorable with Taylor as possible
(21....SAVE MONEY)
Not such a short list....and some of those things aren't exclusively summer things. But that's definitely what I want to do this summer. Hopefully I can accomplish at least half!
Monday, April 20, 2009
Christian Cliches
I've been noticing here at Liberty, as wonderful as the place is, that many people are carbon prints of each other. It's not necessarily bad, but because everyone does the exact same things as everyone else, acts the same way, has the exact same interests, etc., it leads people to believe that the Christian population is brainwashed, brain dead, and therefore brainless. I've been thinking about a few popular cliches and stereotypes that are aplenty at LU, and how to avoid them/break out of them.
1) Idolizing C.S. Lewis- We all know him as the author behind the Chronicles of Narnia series. We also know him as a converted Christian who incorporates Christianity into his work. Most Liberty-esque Christians have read his more popular titles, like The Great Divorce, The Screwtape Letters, The Problem of Pain, and Mere Christianity. Of course they are aware of the deep religious symbolism that is inscribed in those pieces. Yes, his essays deal with why Christianity is True and hence is Logical. While honoring a great, prolific writer isn't a big deal, it becomes a problem when you use him to promote your "Christian image" or when you idolize him so much that you think he could have written a third testament of the Bible. What he had been saying isn't new....it's simply restated as logical statements or reworded and disguised as fiction so that he could suck in the broadest audience available to EVANGELIZE. To avoid becoming an idolator of Lewis and/or to avoid using his ideas for personal gain (other than certain spiritual elements), expand your horizons. Read a non-Christian author and try to refute his arguments; put your knowledge to practice. Read a fiction piece that's un-related to Christianity and figure out just why the world needs God, even if the book has a happy ending. Don't focus on just one author, don't Confucionize or Bhuddize him; the world is full of literature if you break out of your bubbles and read it!
2) Praying for every little detail- Now, I'm not saying that praying is wrong. Actually, I LOVE prayer. It strengthens your walk with God, helps you realign yourself with Him, and keeps you focused on the Lord's purpose for your life. What I don't agree with is praying for sports team victories, special food requests at the dining hall, an item to do well financially, getting grades on schoolwork that you don't deserve, etc. Do you really think that just because you prayed and asked God to have the dining hall serve corndogs instead of hamburgers that somehow he'd make it so that the burgers morphed into corndogs or the staff changed their mind and switched he menu? I'm sure that God is capable of doing this; in fact, I KNOW that he is. But I believe that he's got other things on his mind to worry about, like the spiritual warfare going on in the world, or the new earth he's going to create, or maybe he's getting prepared for more celebrations of salvation decisions. While God is capable of doing anything, and while he does care about your desires, dreams, and preferences, the fact of the matter is, maybe he WANTS your team to lose to teach you something, maybe you're supposed to receive a low grade to show you that you didn't use the talents God gave you effectively enough. Instead of wasting your precious breath praying for something that honestly isn't the biggest deal, pray for people who have never tasted corndogs because there is no food, pray for people that never get to experience a low grade because there no educational system, pray for people who can't buy anything because of the poverty level. Instead of being selfish, be selfless in your prayer. Pray that God use your interests in a way that enables ministry.
3) Looking nice ALL the time. Yes, you dress up everyday for class. You dress up for church. You dress up to go to work. You dress up on your missions trips, you dress up for your local ministries. Maybe you don't look particularly fancy, but you're sure to wear your most expensive items when you're around people to show them how much God has blessed you. Yes, be proud of your blessings. However, remember that God sees you when you look your scummiest. Remember that when you minister to someone who is worse off than you, it might not be the best idea to wear your Ralph Lauren sweater or bring your Coach purse. That's just like rubbing their conditions in their faces. Wearing lots of makeup 24 hours a day? Even when you're around the people you minister to? You might as well tell them things like being successful and well-off is easy if you're beautiful, or that you can actually afford beauty. Can you go a day without makeup? If not, are you really comfortable with the way God made you? Don't be afraid to look like a scuzzball sometimes. If you're at school, you're there to learn. While you should be clean, if/when you can, it's not necessary to wear a dress everyday of the week or to have your nails done all the time. Adam and Eve didn't have those luxuries; they were happy with how God made them. It's okay to be without them, promise!
4) Getting married as soon as you start dating. This gets on my nerves more than almost anything. Especially at places like Liberty, people get engaged after dating someone for 3 months, or a similar amount of time. You don't even know the person! While you may be thinking, "gee, I could marry this person, seems like he/she could be the one!" you don't know them fully. Even if you do by some chance, is it really wise to marry while you're in college? If you already have a career going, cool. If you're going to be done in a semester anyway, whatever. You're a sophomore or a junior in college? No, hold on. You are going to have school debts to pay off. You're going to have to find a job, too, and with the economy as it is, you may not get as much money as you want. If you're still in college while you get married, and you've still a while to go, think about what you're doing. You're going to have to pay off your wedding (unless someone is paying it off for you), some kind of rent or mortgage payment, and bills of all kinds that DON'T include your school bills (insurance, electric, water, cell phone, etc.). If you go to school full time and don't have a decent sized scholarship, you're in trouble. If you love the person, and it's true love, the two of you will be able to make it through until AFTER you've graduated. It'll be better. You'll be able to get to know each other more and practice working through stresses and problems that are bound to arise. True love works through anything, right? Right. :) I will be truthful, I am jealous of those who are able to get married, but I'm more frustrated because I'm nowhere NEAR marriage-ready (although I may be at least halfway there), and I've dated Taylor longer than a lot of people have dated their fiancees. Just chill, relax, and enjoy being an adolescent.
That's all for now, there are LOTS more, but I have class.
1) Idolizing C.S. Lewis- We all know him as the author behind the Chronicles of Narnia series. We also know him as a converted Christian who incorporates Christianity into his work. Most Liberty-esque Christians have read his more popular titles, like The Great Divorce, The Screwtape Letters, The Problem of Pain, and Mere Christianity. Of course they are aware of the deep religious symbolism that is inscribed in those pieces. Yes, his essays deal with why Christianity is True and hence is Logical. While honoring a great, prolific writer isn't a big deal, it becomes a problem when you use him to promote your "Christian image" or when you idolize him so much that you think he could have written a third testament of the Bible. What he had been saying isn't new....it's simply restated as logical statements or reworded and disguised as fiction so that he could suck in the broadest audience available to EVANGELIZE. To avoid becoming an idolator of Lewis and/or to avoid using his ideas for personal gain (other than certain spiritual elements), expand your horizons. Read a non-Christian author and try to refute his arguments; put your knowledge to practice. Read a fiction piece that's un-related to Christianity and figure out just why the world needs God, even if the book has a happy ending. Don't focus on just one author, don't Confucionize or Bhuddize him; the world is full of literature if you break out of your bubbles and read it!
2) Praying for every little detail- Now, I'm not saying that praying is wrong. Actually, I LOVE prayer. It strengthens your walk with God, helps you realign yourself with Him, and keeps you focused on the Lord's purpose for your life. What I don't agree with is praying for sports team victories, special food requests at the dining hall, an item to do well financially, getting grades on schoolwork that you don't deserve, etc. Do you really think that just because you prayed and asked God to have the dining hall serve corndogs instead of hamburgers that somehow he'd make it so that the burgers morphed into corndogs or the staff changed their mind and switched he menu? I'm sure that God is capable of doing this; in fact, I KNOW that he is. But I believe that he's got other things on his mind to worry about, like the spiritual warfare going on in the world, or the new earth he's going to create, or maybe he's getting prepared for more celebrations of salvation decisions. While God is capable of doing anything, and while he does care about your desires, dreams, and preferences, the fact of the matter is, maybe he WANTS your team to lose to teach you something, maybe you're supposed to receive a low grade to show you that you didn't use the talents God gave you effectively enough. Instead of wasting your precious breath praying for something that honestly isn't the biggest deal, pray for people who have never tasted corndogs because there is no food, pray for people that never get to experience a low grade because there no educational system, pray for people who can't buy anything because of the poverty level. Instead of being selfish, be selfless in your prayer. Pray that God use your interests in a way that enables ministry.
3) Looking nice ALL the time. Yes, you dress up everyday for class. You dress up for church. You dress up to go to work. You dress up on your missions trips, you dress up for your local ministries. Maybe you don't look particularly fancy, but you're sure to wear your most expensive items when you're around people to show them how much God has blessed you. Yes, be proud of your blessings. However, remember that God sees you when you look your scummiest. Remember that when you minister to someone who is worse off than you, it might not be the best idea to wear your Ralph Lauren sweater or bring your Coach purse. That's just like rubbing their conditions in their faces. Wearing lots of makeup 24 hours a day? Even when you're around the people you minister to? You might as well tell them things like being successful and well-off is easy if you're beautiful, or that you can actually afford beauty. Can you go a day without makeup? If not, are you really comfortable with the way God made you? Don't be afraid to look like a scuzzball sometimes. If you're at school, you're there to learn. While you should be clean, if/when you can, it's not necessary to wear a dress everyday of the week or to have your nails done all the time. Adam and Eve didn't have those luxuries; they were happy with how God made them. It's okay to be without them, promise!
4) Getting married as soon as you start dating. This gets on my nerves more than almost anything. Especially at places like Liberty, people get engaged after dating someone for 3 months, or a similar amount of time. You don't even know the person! While you may be thinking, "gee, I could marry this person, seems like he/she could be the one!" you don't know them fully. Even if you do by some chance, is it really wise to marry while you're in college? If you already have a career going, cool. If you're going to be done in a semester anyway, whatever. You're a sophomore or a junior in college? No, hold on. You are going to have school debts to pay off. You're going to have to find a job, too, and with the economy as it is, you may not get as much money as you want. If you're still in college while you get married, and you've still a while to go, think about what you're doing. You're going to have to pay off your wedding (unless someone is paying it off for you), some kind of rent or mortgage payment, and bills of all kinds that DON'T include your school bills (insurance, electric, water, cell phone, etc.). If you go to school full time and don't have a decent sized scholarship, you're in trouble. If you love the person, and it's true love, the two of you will be able to make it through until AFTER you've graduated. It'll be better. You'll be able to get to know each other more and practice working through stresses and problems that are bound to arise. True love works through anything, right? Right. :) I will be truthful, I am jealous of those who are able to get married, but I'm more frustrated because I'm nowhere NEAR marriage-ready (although I may be at least halfway there), and I've dated Taylor longer than a lot of people have dated their fiancees. Just chill, relax, and enjoy being an adolescent.
That's all for now, there are LOTS more, but I have class.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Optimist today!
I'm more cheerful today than I was before.
I've been praying more, and I think God is just putting stuff in my life to draw me closer.
I've got the hint, Father. I've got it. I'm coming!
I know that sometimes people grow apart, and sometimes circumstances prevent growth in a friendship, so I'm praying that things will improve. I still care about everyone in my life very very much, and they should know that if I can ever do anything for them, I will.
I miss my friends from So. IL very dearly...I hope I get to see them soon. My mom is paying for me to go to a childhood friend's wedding (it's her best friend's son. we've shared a crib), and that's the only reason I'm going home. I will be there for maybe 3 days...I will have to come back since I'm taking summer classes. I'm so glad she was willing to buy my ticket...otherwise I couldn't have come back.
I hope to visit for a week or two in July. I'll be bringing Taylor with me so everyone can meet him and see how wonderful he is!!!
I've turned in about 8 applications for this summer, all in retail. I really need some new clothes, and I thought working in clothing stores would be beneficial for a summer job. Be praying that something comes up! I'm going to apply to other places, too, like some daycare centers. That way I can put some relevant work on my resume, and maybe have a different work schedule in the fall. I'm not getting much sleep since I work late most days. The goal, since my classes are done early, is to work a couple days a week, be done with that by 5, and have the evening to relax and study, hopefully getting to bed BY 11.
It's a stretch, but it's doable I think.
I've been praying more, and I think God is just putting stuff in my life to draw me closer.
I've got the hint, Father. I've got it. I'm coming!
I know that sometimes people grow apart, and sometimes circumstances prevent growth in a friendship, so I'm praying that things will improve. I still care about everyone in my life very very much, and they should know that if I can ever do anything for them, I will.
I miss my friends from So. IL very dearly...I hope I get to see them soon. My mom is paying for me to go to a childhood friend's wedding (it's her best friend's son. we've shared a crib), and that's the only reason I'm going home. I will be there for maybe 3 days...I will have to come back since I'm taking summer classes. I'm so glad she was willing to buy my ticket...otherwise I couldn't have come back.
I hope to visit for a week or two in July. I'll be bringing Taylor with me so everyone can meet him and see how wonderful he is!!!
I've turned in about 8 applications for this summer, all in retail. I really need some new clothes, and I thought working in clothing stores would be beneficial for a summer job. Be praying that something comes up! I'm going to apply to other places, too, like some daycare centers. That way I can put some relevant work on my resume, and maybe have a different work schedule in the fall. I'm not getting much sleep since I work late most days. The goal, since my classes are done early, is to work a couple days a week, be done with that by 5, and have the evening to relax and study, hopefully getting to bed BY 11.
It's a stretch, but it's doable I think.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Rain, Rain, Go Away!
That song was always depressing. I like the rain. Well, the sound of it, anyway. Makes for some good reading atmosphere, especially when it's been a blah sort of day. Or rather semester. I've been having the same problems over and over again. When I think they've finally gone away for good, they just come back and bite me.
A small thing is just too much schoolwork. I try to balance all of the work I have to do with trying to have a healthy social life and keeping myself healthy and well, it doesn't exactly work all of the time. I get swamped with different assignments and deadlines, I end up hanging out with just Taylor, hardly spend time with my dad, don't get enough rest at all....then I fall behind. I end up praying that my teachers give me grace that I truly don't deserve. Sometimes I get it, sometimes I don't. It's frustrating just trying to be enough.
The second thing, and probably the most stressful thing, is the relationship I'm in. The relationship between me and Taylor, considering just the two of us, is great. We talk things out, we make each other laugh, we trust each other completely, we try to lead to other to God (we still work very hard on that one...that's not where it should be but we are trying!). But when you try to factor in that we don't have a lot of money, that presents a bit of a problem. Like we don't go out a lot anymore, and then Taylor and my dad bump heads. Or rather Taylor's head gets bumped. I don't think that my dad likes Taylor. If he did, I'm not sure he does anymore. Maybe he has the potential to like him (or like him again), but there are a few things preventing that I guess. Like Taylor getting a degree in Worship with a business specialization. To my dad, that's a worthless degree he can't get a job with. Taylor has ADD, and to my dad, that's a scapegoat for all of the problems that occur in Taylor's or my life. I've been paying for more stuff lately, so I'm dating him instead of him dating me. Basically it all comes to one huge nuclear climax, and there is no resolution in sight.
I never dreamed this for myself. When I was younger, I imagined a perfect life; when you're young you're completely unaware of all the bad things around you...and of course nothing bad will ever happen to you. I thought I'd be living by myself by now, graduating college early, having a double major, a cool car, cool pets, tons of friends, a fiancee, parents that were married, brother and sister who call me or I call them daily......but I don't have that. Life got in the way. The plans that I had for myself went down the drain. Granted, I've changed job prospects hundreds of times since I was little, but the idea remained the same...I would work so hard to get ahead, get lots of friends and family support, and have all of my dreams come true. I guess God has something else in store for me. I just wish it were something good for a change. That'd be nice.
I keep praying for some kind of resolution, but I don't see one. A future with Taylor looks bleaker and bleaker sometimes. I wouldn't trade him for the world, but sometimes I worry about how we'll make it. I want some friends. I'm supposed to have the greatest friends in the world...that's what college is for, right? Maybe not. The best friends I used to have are gone now. Sometimes it's hard to think that they still care. The friends I have at Liberty don't really ask me to do anything unless they need a ride or something. I feel that most of my friendships there are conditional. That's the downside of not living in the dorms I guess. I feel very lonely.
It's growing harder and harder to fill the void. I would love to fill it with some Jesus, but that doesn't even seem like it works. I can't seem to let go of my dreams and replace them with God's.
I hope that this will be fixed sometime soon. It's getting to be all too much anymore. It's getting old. I don't want to deal with it anymore; I'm sick of it. When will it change?
A small thing is just too much schoolwork. I try to balance all of the work I have to do with trying to have a healthy social life and keeping myself healthy and well, it doesn't exactly work all of the time. I get swamped with different assignments and deadlines, I end up hanging out with just Taylor, hardly spend time with my dad, don't get enough rest at all....then I fall behind. I end up praying that my teachers give me grace that I truly don't deserve. Sometimes I get it, sometimes I don't. It's frustrating just trying to be enough.
The second thing, and probably the most stressful thing, is the relationship I'm in. The relationship between me and Taylor, considering just the two of us, is great. We talk things out, we make each other laugh, we trust each other completely, we try to lead to other to God (we still work very hard on that one...that's not where it should be but we are trying!). But when you try to factor in that we don't have a lot of money, that presents a bit of a problem. Like we don't go out a lot anymore, and then Taylor and my dad bump heads. Or rather Taylor's head gets bumped. I don't think that my dad likes Taylor. If he did, I'm not sure he does anymore. Maybe he has the potential to like him (or like him again), but there are a few things preventing that I guess. Like Taylor getting a degree in Worship with a business specialization. To my dad, that's a worthless degree he can't get a job with. Taylor has ADD, and to my dad, that's a scapegoat for all of the problems that occur in Taylor's or my life. I've been paying for more stuff lately, so I'm dating him instead of him dating me. Basically it all comes to one huge nuclear climax, and there is no resolution in sight.
I never dreamed this for myself. When I was younger, I imagined a perfect life; when you're young you're completely unaware of all the bad things around you...and of course nothing bad will ever happen to you. I thought I'd be living by myself by now, graduating college early, having a double major, a cool car, cool pets, tons of friends, a fiancee, parents that were married, brother and sister who call me or I call them daily......but I don't have that. Life got in the way. The plans that I had for myself went down the drain. Granted, I've changed job prospects hundreds of times since I was little, but the idea remained the same...I would work so hard to get ahead, get lots of friends and family support, and have all of my dreams come true. I guess God has something else in store for me. I just wish it were something good for a change. That'd be nice.
I keep praying for some kind of resolution, but I don't see one. A future with Taylor looks bleaker and bleaker sometimes. I wouldn't trade him for the world, but sometimes I worry about how we'll make it. I want some friends. I'm supposed to have the greatest friends in the world...that's what college is for, right? Maybe not. The best friends I used to have are gone now. Sometimes it's hard to think that they still care. The friends I have at Liberty don't really ask me to do anything unless they need a ride or something. I feel that most of my friendships there are conditional. That's the downside of not living in the dorms I guess. I feel very lonely.
It's growing harder and harder to fill the void. I would love to fill it with some Jesus, but that doesn't even seem like it works. I can't seem to let go of my dreams and replace them with God's.
I hope that this will be fixed sometime soon. It's getting to be all too much anymore. It's getting old. I don't want to deal with it anymore; I'm sick of it. When will it change?
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
A, C....natural.....E...flat...ural!
I feel very optimistic today.
Last week was spring break, and the preparation for that was brutal. I had so many things due and so much reading to catch up on that I was very overwhelmed. I made it through about three major papers, two books, a few short responses, more than a few essays, and hours of wind ensemble rehearsal.
Spring break was a lot of fun. Wind ensemble went on its annual tour, and this year we went north, with the apex of our journey residing in Vermont. I was able to see Washington, D.C for the first time, and we stopped in Manhattan, N.Y.C. for a couple of hours. I stayed in Amish country and in Harlem, and I had the most epic of failures during my snowboarding attempt while in Vermont. Spending so much time on a charter bus that just fits our 58-person roster was definitely interesting...we all got on each others' nerves at one point or another; I even cried. Twice. It was a fantastic learning experience; I learned to be appreciative for the things I have, thankful for the things I don't have to experience, and how to be friends with another person under close quarters. I made a stronger bond with a few girls over this trip, and got to know a few more people that I had not known before. :D I'd like to promise that I would post pictures, but I never seem to get around to doing that.... Perhaps I'll do a few picture-and-caption posts later on. I don't know.
Spring break provided me insight, relaxation, and mental rest, all of which I was desperately in need of. I am back at school feeling more positive about the rest of the semester and the rest of my time at Liberty. I register for classes at midnight after tomorrow evening, and I have sorted out the other three semesters. It's very real that I am graduating very soon. I feel organized, and I realized that my academic loads won't be as stressful. With my intended schedule for next semester, I will be done with my classes by noon, I will be able to work daytime study hall, and I will able to spend time at home most evenings, which will be nice because....
WE ARE GETTING A HOUSE! My dad and I live in a townhouse apartment right now. We've had it longer than we expected because of financial stuff just not clicking last spring. But now, everything was approved well enough in advance, and we've got the green light to make our selection. This weekend, we will choose our new home from 4 houses. I am so excited. I think that having more space will make my relationship with my dad stronger and it will make/keep both of us happier more times than not. I cannot wait to tend to actual household chores. Also, we are going to be keeping my brother's dog, George, with us since my brother will be on location for a year for the Army. It will be beneficial for us to have a pet again; pets generally make humans happier, and when I am gone, my dad will appreciate having someone to hang out with, even if the dog has ADHD (he actually probably really does!).
I am doing my best to be ultra supportive of Taylor in every facet of his life. I listen to his song drafts, give my opinions...I help him with his music theory homework. Today I made him flashcards of the main chords he needs to know, since he's not so good with accidentals. Since he's a worship major, he needs to be firm with his classical musical background training...the basics are a must! I quizzed him today on some of them, and he did alright, but there's still room for improvement. I told him that he should keep the flashcards with him all of the time, and that I would quiz him periodically. He will also have them for reference in case he is ever confused. I hope that he is active in using them, though, because they will help a lot. I'm very thankful that Taylor and I have awesome problem-solving methods. No matter the issue, we always work it out soon after or even during the fight. We do not let it bake. Because of this, we always end up perfectly fine and stronger than we were before. :)
My mom called and wants to fly me home for Easter. I really would like to go, especially since my brother's birthday falls on Easter, but that would leave my dad here by himself. He's unsure of whether he wants me to go or not...I don't blame him. I might tell my mom that I'm not going to come...I do not want my dad to spend any holiday by himself. Hopefully she will be able to fly out to see me sometime in April.
Things are going so well. The big one-year anniversary is coming up in about 2 weeks...I couldn't be more excited or in love! Taylor made me try on some rings at the jewelry store yesterday (we were there to pick up a necklace chain that I had broken before...gold sauntering is the most amazing thing!). Of course I couldn't refuse! He's been keeping his eye out on prices and designs...everything is finally seeming real!
Last week was spring break, and the preparation for that was brutal. I had so many things due and so much reading to catch up on that I was very overwhelmed. I made it through about three major papers, two books, a few short responses, more than a few essays, and hours of wind ensemble rehearsal.
Spring break was a lot of fun. Wind ensemble went on its annual tour, and this year we went north, with the apex of our journey residing in Vermont. I was able to see Washington, D.C for the first time, and we stopped in Manhattan, N.Y.C. for a couple of hours. I stayed in Amish country and in Harlem, and I had the most epic of failures during my snowboarding attempt while in Vermont. Spending so much time on a charter bus that just fits our 58-person roster was definitely interesting...we all got on each others' nerves at one point or another; I even cried. Twice. It was a fantastic learning experience; I learned to be appreciative for the things I have, thankful for the things I don't have to experience, and how to be friends with another person under close quarters. I made a stronger bond with a few girls over this trip, and got to know a few more people that I had not known before. :D I'd like to promise that I would post pictures, but I never seem to get around to doing that.... Perhaps I'll do a few picture-and-caption posts later on. I don't know.
Spring break provided me insight, relaxation, and mental rest, all of which I was desperately in need of. I am back at school feeling more positive about the rest of the semester and the rest of my time at Liberty. I register for classes at midnight after tomorrow evening, and I have sorted out the other three semesters. It's very real that I am graduating very soon. I feel organized, and I realized that my academic loads won't be as stressful. With my intended schedule for next semester, I will be done with my classes by noon, I will be able to work daytime study hall, and I will able to spend time at home most evenings, which will be nice because....
WE ARE GETTING A HOUSE! My dad and I live in a townhouse apartment right now. We've had it longer than we expected because of financial stuff just not clicking last spring. But now, everything was approved well enough in advance, and we've got the green light to make our selection. This weekend, we will choose our new home from 4 houses. I am so excited. I think that having more space will make my relationship with my dad stronger and it will make/keep both of us happier more times than not. I cannot wait to tend to actual household chores. Also, we are going to be keeping my brother's dog, George, with us since my brother will be on location for a year for the Army. It will be beneficial for us to have a pet again; pets generally make humans happier, and when I am gone, my dad will appreciate having someone to hang out with, even if the dog has ADHD (he actually probably really does!).
I am doing my best to be ultra supportive of Taylor in every facet of his life. I listen to his song drafts, give my opinions...I help him with his music theory homework. Today I made him flashcards of the main chords he needs to know, since he's not so good with accidentals. Since he's a worship major, he needs to be firm with his classical musical background training...the basics are a must! I quizzed him today on some of them, and he did alright, but there's still room for improvement. I told him that he should keep the flashcards with him all of the time, and that I would quiz him periodically. He will also have them for reference in case he is ever confused. I hope that he is active in using them, though, because they will help a lot. I'm very thankful that Taylor and I have awesome problem-solving methods. No matter the issue, we always work it out soon after or even during the fight. We do not let it bake. Because of this, we always end up perfectly fine and stronger than we were before. :)
My mom called and wants to fly me home for Easter. I really would like to go, especially since my brother's birthday falls on Easter, but that would leave my dad here by himself. He's unsure of whether he wants me to go or not...I don't blame him. I might tell my mom that I'm not going to come...I do not want my dad to spend any holiday by himself. Hopefully she will be able to fly out to see me sometime in April.
Things are going so well. The big one-year anniversary is coming up in about 2 weeks...I couldn't be more excited or in love! Taylor made me try on some rings at the jewelry store yesterday (we were there to pick up a necklace chain that I had broken before...gold sauntering is the most amazing thing!). Of course I couldn't refuse! He's been keeping his eye out on prices and designs...everything is finally seeming real!
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Awaiting Vermont!
It's been far too long since I've posted. So, here's a brief update.
1)My mom is A-OK!! She has no cancer, but we've found out that she is anemic. That's not such a big deal compared to the big C...she just needs to take her prescription and eat right, and she's all set!
2)I received a first round of the HPV vaccine. It's always a good thing to be protected from a few of the main cancers, especially when there's a history of it in your family. I go next in April, and then August.
3)Taylor and I had our 11-month mark yesterday. It's been a whirlwind so far, but I wouldn't have had it any other way.
4)My friends keep getting engaged. I found out about one last week or so, and another one last night. I'm getting antsy. Haha. When you know, you know, right? Right!
5)I'm officially swamped with schoolwork. There is no end at the light of the tunnel. At least until May.
I've been trying really hard to achieve a balance between school, work, family, and boyfriend, but it is really hard, especially when it's hard to even make time for the Lord. I've been scrambling to get things done in time for Spring Break, which is next week. The wind ensemble is going to Vermont for it's spring trip, and I would like to get paper writing out of the way so that the only thing I will have to worry about (actually be able to do) on the trip is reading.
I'm really excited to do my lesson plans. I feel more and more confident in my new major. I changed last semester from music education to elementary education, and I really do feel like I fit better in this field. Everything just adds up and works out right!
I'm pledging Kappa Delta Pi this semester. It's not a typical sorority...it's the "professional society for education majors." Add a couple of service projects and fundraisers on to the other 3850928 things I have to do, and you have a bald Hilary. I'm not losing my hair yet, but I've been yanking it for 2 months straight.
This is what I love though. It's sick. I LOVE schoolwork. I absolutely love everything about it. I love to be busy, I love to learn. So I guess I secretly like being stressed.
It burns calories.
1)My mom is A-OK!! She has no cancer, but we've found out that she is anemic. That's not such a big deal compared to the big C...she just needs to take her prescription and eat right, and she's all set!
2)I received a first round of the HPV vaccine. It's always a good thing to be protected from a few of the main cancers, especially when there's a history of it in your family. I go next in April, and then August.
3)Taylor and I had our 11-month mark yesterday. It's been a whirlwind so far, but I wouldn't have had it any other way.
4)My friends keep getting engaged. I found out about one last week or so, and another one last night. I'm getting antsy. Haha. When you know, you know, right? Right!
5)I'm officially swamped with schoolwork. There is no end at the light of the tunnel. At least until May.
I've been trying really hard to achieve a balance between school, work, family, and boyfriend, but it is really hard, especially when it's hard to even make time for the Lord. I've been scrambling to get things done in time for Spring Break, which is next week. The wind ensemble is going to Vermont for it's spring trip, and I would like to get paper writing out of the way so that the only thing I will have to worry about (actually be able to do) on the trip is reading.
I'm really excited to do my lesson plans. I feel more and more confident in my new major. I changed last semester from music education to elementary education, and I really do feel like I fit better in this field. Everything just adds up and works out right!
I'm pledging Kappa Delta Pi this semester. It's not a typical sorority...it's the "professional society for education majors." Add a couple of service projects and fundraisers on to the other 3850928 things I have to do, and you have a bald Hilary. I'm not losing my hair yet, but I've been yanking it for 2 months straight.
This is what I love though. It's sick. I LOVE schoolwork. I absolutely love everything about it. I love to be busy, I love to learn. So I guess I secretly like being stressed.
It burns calories.
Monday, February 9, 2009
I really enjoy the wee hours of the morning. Everything is quiet.
No cars driving around outside, no trains. No televisions, no radios. No chatter, no cooking.
Silence.
It's refreshing, really. I usually am sleeping at this time, but I can't. So I've stayed up to read. I might take a nap before I get ready for school, but I'm not sure at this point.
I've been thinking a lot about how much I've changed.
When I was little, I thought marriage was a nice thing. I thought about what my wedding would be like, but I never focused on it at all. Sure, my Barbies had weddings occasionally. But I never was a bride for Halloween, and when I played house there wasn't a man there. Just a woman living with her friends or her family, making it on her own. Then I became a tomboy for awhile. Of course I wouldn't admit to wanting a boy to comfort me then! I wanted to be one! Thank goodness that phase didn't last too terribly long. Then there were the years where I was completely shallow. I tried to dumb myself down to make me look cooler to my friends...that didn't work very well, my dad caught on to that one (good thing, too...I actually love school). I got caught up in make-up, pop culture, and psuedo-relationships that only last two weeks, but it seems like they last forever. High school...different thing altogther. Emo phase...I don't want to talk about that. There is no reason to be emo when God has given you so many blessings!! Don't think you have any? Try these: you have atoms bonding together, creating your entire body. Blood pumping through your veins, a brain that functions by itself, about a thousand involuntary, neccessary actions that happen all the time (blinking, heart beat, breathing, growth). You have air to breathe, clothes to wear, food to eat. You may not be happy with those things, but they're there nonetheless.
Anyway. I grew past emoculture to be a generally happy person, thanks to Jesus and dance team. After a rough first year of college, I'm happily settled into my third year, and I want to be married more than anything. I can't wait until Taylor proposes; I know he will. I find myself fantasizing more and more what it will be like. I'm a big planner...I've started thinking ahead already!! It's hard to just enjoy dating when I already know who I want to spend the rest of my life with.
It's essential to remember and learn from your past, and to hope for the future, but it's even more neccessary to remember the NOW. Bask in the present, it will always be here.
No cars driving around outside, no trains. No televisions, no radios. No chatter, no cooking.
Silence.
It's refreshing, really. I usually am sleeping at this time, but I can't. So I've stayed up to read. I might take a nap before I get ready for school, but I'm not sure at this point.
I've been thinking a lot about how much I've changed.
When I was little, I thought marriage was a nice thing. I thought about what my wedding would be like, but I never focused on it at all. Sure, my Barbies had weddings occasionally. But I never was a bride for Halloween, and when I played house there wasn't a man there. Just a woman living with her friends or her family, making it on her own. Then I became a tomboy for awhile. Of course I wouldn't admit to wanting a boy to comfort me then! I wanted to be one! Thank goodness that phase didn't last too terribly long. Then there were the years where I was completely shallow. I tried to dumb myself down to make me look cooler to my friends...that didn't work very well, my dad caught on to that one (good thing, too...I actually love school). I got caught up in make-up, pop culture, and psuedo-relationships that only last two weeks, but it seems like they last forever. High school...different thing altogther. Emo phase...I don't want to talk about that. There is no reason to be emo when God has given you so many blessings!! Don't think you have any? Try these: you have atoms bonding together, creating your entire body. Blood pumping through your veins, a brain that functions by itself, about a thousand involuntary, neccessary actions that happen all the time (blinking, heart beat, breathing, growth). You have air to breathe, clothes to wear, food to eat. You may not be happy with those things, but they're there nonetheless.
Anyway. I grew past emoculture to be a generally happy person, thanks to Jesus and dance team. After a rough first year of college, I'm happily settled into my third year, and I want to be married more than anything. I can't wait until Taylor proposes; I know he will. I find myself fantasizing more and more what it will be like. I'm a big planner...I've started thinking ahead already!! It's hard to just enjoy dating when I already know who I want to spend the rest of my life with.
It's essential to remember and learn from your past, and to hope for the future, but it's even more neccessary to remember the NOW. Bask in the present, it will always be here.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
playlist
American Boy- Estelle & Kanye West
Kiss- The Submarines
Mercy- Duffy
Saw Her Standing There- Paul McCartney or The Beatles
I'm Still In Love With You- Al Green
Kiss- The Submarines
Mercy- Duffy
Saw Her Standing There- Paul McCartney or The Beatles
I'm Still In Love With You- Al Green
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
A prayer
Heavenly Father,
I pray that You help me make it. I feel so overwhelmed. Please, so me what You intend for me. I feel like a joke....I feel struggle. Please help me.
I don't know what you want me to do....enlighten me. I can't stay focused, I can't stay determined.
Illuminate me, Lord. Give me time. Lengthen my days and nights.
Help me grow, Father. Please. I thank You for these kinds of issues because I know I could have it so much worse. Use me and the way I solve problems...help me be an encouragement to someone else using the things You give me.
I ask for Your blessings, always.
I pray that You help me make it. I feel so overwhelmed. Please, so me what You intend for me. I feel like a joke....I feel struggle. Please help me.
I don't know what you want me to do....enlighten me. I can't stay focused, I can't stay determined.
Illuminate me, Lord. Give me time. Lengthen my days and nights.
Help me grow, Father. Please. I thank You for these kinds of issues because I know I could have it so much worse. Use me and the way I solve problems...help me be an encouragement to someone else using the things You give me.
I ask for Your blessings, always.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Whistle while you work!
I'm supposed to be reading...It's not working very well. I'm at work, and no one needs my help. I keep getting distracted.
A big thing on my mind right now (and basically most moments of my free time) is the future and how I don't want to wait for it. I want to just dive right into my life after graduation. There is nothing I would rather do then marry Taylor tomorrow, start teaching, get prego after a couple of years, travel with Taylor and his ministry...
I know, I know...I'm not even engaged. I believe the technical term for our current status is "engaged to be engaged." No, not promised. That's high school stuff. Every morning when I wake up, when I see my left ring finger, I imagine a ring that isn't there. It's invisible for now, but I know that space will be occupied someday by a symbol of my beloved's love for me. The knowledge that it will be adorned in the near-ish future (before graduation in 1.5 years) fuels me everyday. Taylor has pledged his love for me and I believe him with all of my heart. He got a job for me, a car for me, a phone that works for me...he schedules his life around me. He makes so many sacrifices to prove his love for me...how can I not trust that he loves me?
Speaking of sacrifices to show love...let me talk about the man I loved first in my life...my daddy. This guy has made some ENORMOUS sacrifices for me. He's risked it all so that I could have the things he didn't have. I won't get into all that he's done for me because I don't think he'd like to have to publicized...but just know that he put everything on the line because he loved me so much. I'm so thankful. Even though I'm the typical daughter that gets moody and frustrated and angry, and I may seem unappreciative, I most certainly am not. I am fully aware of all that my daddy has done for me and I will be forever grateful. I can only hope that I can repay him halfway for everything he's done...my father has a good heart.
But anyway...I can't wait to teach. I started my field experience hours at LCA on Friday, and I think it will be marvelous. The kids are adorable. I feel so comfortable being in a classroom with children looking to me for help...I LOVE to help! Being there just confirmed my aspirations to be a teacher.
Hopefully I can start volunteering at the nursery at church. I just love to be around children so much...being a mom someday is going to be great!! However, I want to be sure that I can have Taylor all to myself for a couple of years. He wants to eventually have a travelling ministry, and I want to be able to help whenever, wherever, however I can. I have a feeling that life is going to be very sweet.
God is so wonderful. I'm so thankful for everything He's done! He deserves the most praise and thanks out of anyone in my life...without Him, I wouldn't have these people! I wouldn't have anything! Even though every day is a battle to keep a pure heart, as long as I keep going back to Him, I can do anything. He strengthens me. Praise be to God! Give Him the glory always!
A big thing on my mind right now (and basically most moments of my free time) is the future and how I don't want to wait for it. I want to just dive right into my life after graduation. There is nothing I would rather do then marry Taylor tomorrow, start teaching, get prego after a couple of years, travel with Taylor and his ministry...
I know, I know...I'm not even engaged. I believe the technical term for our current status is "engaged to be engaged." No, not promised. That's high school stuff. Every morning when I wake up, when I see my left ring finger, I imagine a ring that isn't there. It's invisible for now, but I know that space will be occupied someday by a symbol of my beloved's love for me. The knowledge that it will be adorned in the near-ish future (before graduation in 1.5 years) fuels me everyday. Taylor has pledged his love for me and I believe him with all of my heart. He got a job for me, a car for me, a phone that works for me...he schedules his life around me. He makes so many sacrifices to prove his love for me...how can I not trust that he loves me?
Speaking of sacrifices to show love...let me talk about the man I loved first in my life...my daddy. This guy has made some ENORMOUS sacrifices for me. He's risked it all so that I could have the things he didn't have. I won't get into all that he's done for me because I don't think he'd like to have to publicized...but just know that he put everything on the line because he loved me so much. I'm so thankful. Even though I'm the typical daughter that gets moody and frustrated and angry, and I may seem unappreciative, I most certainly am not. I am fully aware of all that my daddy has done for me and I will be forever grateful. I can only hope that I can repay him halfway for everything he's done...my father has a good heart.
But anyway...I can't wait to teach. I started my field experience hours at LCA on Friday, and I think it will be marvelous. The kids are adorable. I feel so comfortable being in a classroom with children looking to me for help...I LOVE to help! Being there just confirmed my aspirations to be a teacher.
Hopefully I can start volunteering at the nursery at church. I just love to be around children so much...being a mom someday is going to be great!! However, I want to be sure that I can have Taylor all to myself for a couple of years. He wants to eventually have a travelling ministry, and I want to be able to help whenever, wherever, however I can. I have a feeling that life is going to be very sweet.
God is so wonderful. I'm so thankful for everything He's done! He deserves the most praise and thanks out of anyone in my life...without Him, I wouldn't have these people! I wouldn't have anything! Even though every day is a battle to keep a pure heart, as long as I keep going back to Him, I can do anything. He strengthens me. Praise be to God! Give Him the glory always!
Monday, January 19, 2009
Swirling, twirling, hurling through my mind!
There are so many things that are going through my head right now, at this particular moment. Forgive me, but I need to sort some things out. I guess I'd better get to it.
Something is wrong with my mother. Not like there's something as in she's crazy or I'm annoyed at her, but physically, something is not how it should be. She's had uterine cancer and ovarian cancer before, a good deal of time before I was born in fact. But now there's a threat of something again. What it is we're not sure of, and she's going for another round of testing. Basically, I'm scared. I don't know what this will all mean. Hopefully she can just get a hysterectomy. Or maybe she's experiencing menopause. I've been praying and praying that she can be cured of whatever this is.
Since all of this has been happening, it's caused me to think a lot about the relationship I have with my mom. Would things be different if I wouldn't have moved in with my Dad? I can't tell. I moved to my dad's in the first place because of a few reasons...I knew my mom was getting married to her boyfriend at the time...which would mean we would have to move, I would have had to go to a totally new school, most likely a private one (which I was not wanting to do at the time...sometimes I wish I could have, though. Would have probably been better academically). We had been having typical mom-daughter fights, I felt like she wasn't paying attention to me. If I would have stayed, how would things have turned out? (By the way, this does not mean in any way that I regret moving in with my daddy. I love him very much, and I'm so appreciative for everything he's done for me. I'm glad I got to experience living with him as well) I think that God blesses us all in different ways and has many different ways of teaching us and getting us to depend on him. High school seemed very turbulent for me a lot of the time since there's a lot of family drama. God was the one constant. I think that my relationship with my mom is growing a lot stronger now than it was before. I've read before that relationships with parents will strengthen when the children grow up, because they finalize realize a lot of things and are more mature. Hopefully this is the case?
Another thing I've been thinking about is the future. A lot of my friends have started to become engaged now. Friends that have been dating their S.O.'s for a shorter time than I've been dating Taylor. And I'm now a junior, which at Liberty is primo engagement time. All of the proposals start to pop out around junior year for the girls, and will last until senior year or so, just to make sure girls have an ample amount of time to plan a wedding. I told Taylor that I didn't want to get engaged until after his cousin gets married...I don't want to steal the thunder away from them. I wouldn't want someone in my family doing that to me. This time should be so special for them, so I said I would like to wait until after their wedding, which is in October. With everyone getting engaged more and more, it's hard to be patient and wait. I would wait for Taylor forever, though...it's just getting harder and harder. And with the things we've had to deal with already, I would marry him right now if it were possible. But he's worth it. And our relationship is worth it. So, slow we go.
I feel like I've lost my best friend. We've been growing in different directions for awhile now, but now I'm starting to think she doesn't like me anymore, period. There are a number of things wrong...we don't talk on the phone anymore, or even IM at the very least (part my fault, but also part her fault). I'm not into the same things she's into anymore. I used to be, but eventually I felt way too convicted...I knew I wasn't ready to turn away from God, not that I ever would/could be. And I'm not saying she has either, don't get me wrong, but for me, those things hinder my relationship with Him. So basically a little of this and a little of that and you get two former best friends who don't even talk anymore. And I miss her. I love her and care about her so much...it's insane. She's basically my sister...we've experienced so much together, and now it's like it all counted for nothing. I hope she just knows that I still care about her so so much, and that I want to rekindle our friendship. I wish things could be like they used to be. Somehow, I don't think they will. Either we will have an incredibly mature friendship or we won't really have one at all. I just miss her terribly.
I want to try to be a better sister and aunt.
I need to be more respectful to my dad.
I want to do something positive with my life.
And English 400 may be the most frustrating class I've ever taken. It's too early to tell.
Something is wrong with my mother. Not like there's something as in she's crazy or I'm annoyed at her, but physically, something is not how it should be. She's had uterine cancer and ovarian cancer before, a good deal of time before I was born in fact. But now there's a threat of something again. What it is we're not sure of, and she's going for another round of testing. Basically, I'm scared. I don't know what this will all mean. Hopefully she can just get a hysterectomy. Or maybe she's experiencing menopause. I've been praying and praying that she can be cured of whatever this is.
Since all of this has been happening, it's caused me to think a lot about the relationship I have with my mom. Would things be different if I wouldn't have moved in with my Dad? I can't tell. I moved to my dad's in the first place because of a few reasons...I knew my mom was getting married to her boyfriend at the time...which would mean we would have to move, I would have had to go to a totally new school, most likely a private one (which I was not wanting to do at the time...sometimes I wish I could have, though. Would have probably been better academically). We had been having typical mom-daughter fights, I felt like she wasn't paying attention to me. If I would have stayed, how would things have turned out? (By the way, this does not mean in any way that I regret moving in with my daddy. I love him very much, and I'm so appreciative for everything he's done for me. I'm glad I got to experience living with him as well) I think that God blesses us all in different ways and has many different ways of teaching us and getting us to depend on him. High school seemed very turbulent for me a lot of the time since there's a lot of family drama. God was the one constant. I think that my relationship with my mom is growing a lot stronger now than it was before. I've read before that relationships with parents will strengthen when the children grow up, because they finalize realize a lot of things and are more mature. Hopefully this is the case?
Another thing I've been thinking about is the future. A lot of my friends have started to become engaged now. Friends that have been dating their S.O.'s for a shorter time than I've been dating Taylor. And I'm now a junior, which at Liberty is primo engagement time. All of the proposals start to pop out around junior year for the girls, and will last until senior year or so, just to make sure girls have an ample amount of time to plan a wedding. I told Taylor that I didn't want to get engaged until after his cousin gets married...I don't want to steal the thunder away from them. I wouldn't want someone in my family doing that to me. This time should be so special for them, so I said I would like to wait until after their wedding, which is in October. With everyone getting engaged more and more, it's hard to be patient and wait. I would wait for Taylor forever, though...it's just getting harder and harder. And with the things we've had to deal with already, I would marry him right now if it were possible. But he's worth it. And our relationship is worth it. So, slow we go.
I feel like I've lost my best friend. We've been growing in different directions for awhile now, but now I'm starting to think she doesn't like me anymore, period. There are a number of things wrong...we don't talk on the phone anymore, or even IM at the very least (part my fault, but also part her fault). I'm not into the same things she's into anymore. I used to be, but eventually I felt way too convicted...I knew I wasn't ready to turn away from God, not that I ever would/could be. And I'm not saying she has either, don't get me wrong, but for me, those things hinder my relationship with Him. So basically a little of this and a little of that and you get two former best friends who don't even talk anymore. And I miss her. I love her and care about her so much...it's insane. She's basically my sister...we've experienced so much together, and now it's like it all counted for nothing. I hope she just knows that I still care about her so so much, and that I want to rekindle our friendship. I wish things could be like they used to be. Somehow, I don't think they will. Either we will have an incredibly mature friendship or we won't really have one at all. I just miss her terribly.
I want to try to be a better sister and aunt.
I need to be more respectful to my dad.
I want to do something positive with my life.
And English 400 may be the most frustrating class I've ever taken. It's too early to tell.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Lonely, oh so lonely
I've discovered something today. Although I'm social, and I'm acquainted with most people, I don't have any close friends anymore (except for Taylor, but he's my boyfriend, so it's different). I know lots of people, and I've hung out with them before for lunch or at a game or something like that, but I don't have a close friend anymore.
It's even different with my friends from Illinois. We're almost always playing catch-up. That is if we ever talk. My first year at LU, I called someone a few times a week. But there's only so much I can do...the other person has to answer the phone. Or call back. Or heck, even call ME for a change. I rarely get calls from my old friends. I can't remember the last time one of them called me without me calling them first, asking them to call me. It's depressing. I feel that just because I've changed and I don't drink/party anymore, they think I'm a stick in the mud or that I think less of them for doing so. It's actually quite different. While I care about all of them still, and wish they would just think about what they're doing, I still think the world of all of them. They're all special people...so talented, smart, funny...I miss them. But, like I said, there's only so much I can do before giving up. I'm almost there.
As for people at school, this might be my fault. I was close with a few people, and then I started dating Taylor. Summer came, and then it was fall. I had missed Taylor so much, I wanted to spend a lot of time with him catching up. I wanted to see my friends, too, but at that point, Taylor hadn't learned to share me yet. (Thankfully now, since we've seriously talked about it, he understands and is fine with me spending time with other people. We still are constantly learning about each other...every day.) I was okay with spending my extra time with Taylor...we were in love! Then a few of my friends got involved in a lot of drama that I wanted to stay out of. It wasn't really my business, and since I've grown up a little, I avoid petty arguments and stupid situations like the plague. It brought my friends closer to other people. Then one of my other friends decided to go to a different school. I'm not mad at her for it or anything...it was the best decision for her and I know she's happier elsewhere, but I began to distance myself from her. I didn't realize I was doing it until later. I guess I did that because I didn't want to experience the sting of losing a friend.
This summer, I was working at a camp and I made some really great friends. I was friends with a great group of girls and it was wonderful bonding with them and spending time with them. Summer came to an end and we split apart. I live the furthest away...it's a far stretch if anyone wants to see me. Now I barely talk to them as well.
This semester will be different. I will be pro-active when it comes to camaraderie. I'm going to make more friends at work. I'm joining Kappa Delta Pi, which is the organization for teacher wannabes. I'm going to try to reconnect with a few old friends from last school year. I'm going to make friends in my new classes, maybe go to some study groups. I could care less if I were friends with other boys...Taylor is the only boy I really want to be close to now. He's my love. I know that I need girlfriends, though. It's important for women to connect with each other...who else would understand them?
I will be sociable. I will make new friends. I will!!
It's even different with my friends from Illinois. We're almost always playing catch-up. That is if we ever talk. My first year at LU, I called someone a few times a week. But there's only so much I can do...the other person has to answer the phone. Or call back. Or heck, even call ME for a change. I rarely get calls from my old friends. I can't remember the last time one of them called me without me calling them first, asking them to call me. It's depressing. I feel that just because I've changed and I don't drink/party anymore, they think I'm a stick in the mud or that I think less of them for doing so. It's actually quite different. While I care about all of them still, and wish they would just think about what they're doing, I still think the world of all of them. They're all special people...so talented, smart, funny...I miss them. But, like I said, there's only so much I can do before giving up. I'm almost there.
As for people at school, this might be my fault. I was close with a few people, and then I started dating Taylor. Summer came, and then it was fall. I had missed Taylor so much, I wanted to spend a lot of time with him catching up. I wanted to see my friends, too, but at that point, Taylor hadn't learned to share me yet. (Thankfully now, since we've seriously talked about it, he understands and is fine with me spending time with other people. We still are constantly learning about each other...every day.) I was okay with spending my extra time with Taylor...we were in love! Then a few of my friends got involved in a lot of drama that I wanted to stay out of. It wasn't really my business, and since I've grown up a little, I avoid petty arguments and stupid situations like the plague. It brought my friends closer to other people. Then one of my other friends decided to go to a different school. I'm not mad at her for it or anything...it was the best decision for her and I know she's happier elsewhere, but I began to distance myself from her. I didn't realize I was doing it until later. I guess I did that because I didn't want to experience the sting of losing a friend.
This summer, I was working at a camp and I made some really great friends. I was friends with a great group of girls and it was wonderful bonding with them and spending time with them. Summer came to an end and we split apart. I live the furthest away...it's a far stretch if anyone wants to see me. Now I barely talk to them as well.
This semester will be different. I will be pro-active when it comes to camaraderie. I'm going to make more friends at work. I'm joining Kappa Delta Pi, which is the organization for teacher wannabes. I'm going to try to reconnect with a few old friends from last school year. I'm going to make friends in my new classes, maybe go to some study groups. I could care less if I were friends with other boys...Taylor is the only boy I really want to be close to now. He's my love. I know that I need girlfriends, though. It's important for women to connect with each other...who else would understand them?
I will be sociable. I will make new friends. I will!!
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Contemplating
I've been slacking. I owe an update. Here we go...
Christmas has come and gone. There was a lot to think about this year. Of course, around Christmastime I always get nostalgic and I wish for things that used to be, but aren't anymore, and will never come to be again. Family is usually a sore subject for me anyway, but during the holidays, it's eve worse. I can hardly remember the years when my parents were married. My brother and I had a long talk about this whole thing (which was really nice, by the way). I guess I feel sometimes like I got the short end of the stick, with my family drama causing the family tree to splinter to the ground. I do know that I love them all, and they all love me, and that is certainly a blessing. But can you blame me for wanting a good, old-fashioned Christmas?
My mom told us that she had to get a biopsy done to see if she has uterine cancer (or some sort of cancer down there). She's had it before, twice if I'm not mistaken. However, I wasn't born yet when she was sick. This is so new to me...it's weird to think about. My mom is the healthiest person in the world. She could put on a few pounds, but she's always been really active, she watches what she eats, doesn't get too angry, hard worker...She had it done 6 days ago. I hope she's alright. We won't find out until next week.
That, however, has caused me to wonder about my own body. I haven't been regular. Ever. It can come for 2 or 3 months in a row, but it almost always ends up skipping the next two months or so. Granted, I'm the most stressed out person I know, but I'm 20 years old...I thought this would be over by now. I need to be more pro-active in taking care of and preserving my femininity.
On another note, Taylor and I are two peas in a pod. He is my best friend. I was able to spend a few days with him over break, and it was lovely. I flew to Ohio and met some of his extended family, and then we traveled back to his house. It was just wonderful to be with him again. It was also nice to see a family who doesn't experience the plagues that my own family has to deal with. God is working within all of them. It's refreshing to see that Satan hasn't had the best of them. Anyway, I felt so relaxed and at home there. I can't wait for experiences like that one!
I feel like God has great things planned for me, but that I am stuck in my own selfishness. I have long-term goals, but the way that I go about things now will probably prevent me in the long run from doing them. I've been thinking about going on a mission trip before I get out of college. I can spend a good amount of time away from ego-centric America and see the needs of others firsthand. I can help them and give all of myself to them. I also think I'm going to start volunteering. LU requires that each student do Christian/Community Service, but I've been doing orchestra because it's the easiest thing to do that fits into my schedule. Again, I'm being selfish. I think if I could volunteer at the library or a food pantry once a week for a couple of hours, that would help me as much as it would help others.
I'm ready to change. I'm ready to quit being tempted by the flesh. I'm ready to just break free of my narcissism. I'm just ready.
Christmas has come and gone. There was a lot to think about this year. Of course, around Christmastime I always get nostalgic and I wish for things that used to be, but aren't anymore, and will never come to be again. Family is usually a sore subject for me anyway, but during the holidays, it's eve worse. I can hardly remember the years when my parents were married. My brother and I had a long talk about this whole thing (which was really nice, by the way). I guess I feel sometimes like I got the short end of the stick, with my family drama causing the family tree to splinter to the ground. I do know that I love them all, and they all love me, and that is certainly a blessing. But can you blame me for wanting a good, old-fashioned Christmas?
My mom told us that she had to get a biopsy done to see if she has uterine cancer (or some sort of cancer down there). She's had it before, twice if I'm not mistaken. However, I wasn't born yet when she was sick. This is so new to me...it's weird to think about. My mom is the healthiest person in the world. She could put on a few pounds, but she's always been really active, she watches what she eats, doesn't get too angry, hard worker...She had it done 6 days ago. I hope she's alright. We won't find out until next week.
That, however, has caused me to wonder about my own body. I haven't been regular. Ever. It can come for 2 or 3 months in a row, but it almost always ends up skipping the next two months or so. Granted, I'm the most stressed out person I know, but I'm 20 years old...I thought this would be over by now. I need to be more pro-active in taking care of and preserving my femininity.
On another note, Taylor and I are two peas in a pod. He is my best friend. I was able to spend a few days with him over break, and it was lovely. I flew to Ohio and met some of his extended family, and then we traveled back to his house. It was just wonderful to be with him again. It was also nice to see a family who doesn't experience the plagues that my own family has to deal with. God is working within all of them. It's refreshing to see that Satan hasn't had the best of them. Anyway, I felt so relaxed and at home there. I can't wait for experiences like that one!
I feel like God has great things planned for me, but that I am stuck in my own selfishness. I have long-term goals, but the way that I go about things now will probably prevent me in the long run from doing them. I've been thinking about going on a mission trip before I get out of college. I can spend a good amount of time away from ego-centric America and see the needs of others firsthand. I can help them and give all of myself to them. I also think I'm going to start volunteering. LU requires that each student do Christian/Community Service, but I've been doing orchestra because it's the easiest thing to do that fits into my schedule. Again, I'm being selfish. I think if I could volunteer at the library or a food pantry once a week for a couple of hours, that would help me as much as it would help others.
I'm ready to change. I'm ready to quit being tempted by the flesh. I'm ready to just break free of my narcissism. I'm just ready.
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