Lonely, oh so lonely

I've discovered something today. Although I'm social, and I'm acquainted with most people, I don't have any close friends anymore (except for Taylor, but he's my boyfriend, so it's different). I know lots of people, and I've hung out with them before for lunch or at a game or something like that, but I don't have a close friend anymore.

It's even different with my friends from Illinois. We're almost always playing catch-up. That is if we ever talk. My first year at LU, I called someone a few times a week. But there's only so much I can do...the other person has to answer the phone. Or call back. Or heck, even call ME for a change. I rarely get calls from my old friends. I can't remember the last time one of them called me without me calling them first, asking them to call me. It's depressing. I feel that just because I've changed and I don't drink/party anymore, they think I'm a stick in the mud or that I think less of them for doing so. It's actually quite different. While I care about all of them still, and wish they would just think about what they're doing, I still think the world of all of them. They're all special people...so talented, smart, funny...I miss them. But, like I said, there's only so much I can do before giving up. I'm almost there.

As for people at school, this might be my fault. I was close with a few people, and then I started dating Taylor. Summer came, and then it was fall. I had missed Taylor so much, I wanted to spend a lot of time with him catching up. I wanted to see my friends, too, but at that point, Taylor hadn't learned to share me yet. (Thankfully now, since we've seriously talked about it, he understands and is fine with me spending time with other people. We still are constantly learning about each other...every day.) I was okay with spending my extra time with Taylor...we were in love! Then a few of my friends got involved in a lot of drama that I wanted to stay out of. It wasn't really my business, and since I've grown up a little, I avoid petty arguments and stupid situations like the plague. It brought my friends closer to other people. Then one of my other friends decided to go to a different school. I'm not mad at her for it or anything...it was the best decision for her and I know she's happier elsewhere, but I began to distance myself from her. I didn't realize I was doing it until later. I guess I did that because I didn't want to experience the sting of losing a friend.

This summer, I was working at a camp and I made some really great friends. I was friends with a great group of girls and it was wonderful bonding with them and spending time with them. Summer came to an end and we split apart. I live the furthest away...it's a far stretch if anyone wants to see me. Now I barely talk to them as well.

This semester will be different. I will be pro-active when it comes to camaraderie. I'm going to make more friends at work. I'm joining Kappa Delta Pi, which is the organization for teacher wannabes. I'm going to try to reconnect with a few old friends from last school year. I'm going to make friends in my new classes, maybe go to some study groups. I could care less if I were friends with other boys...Taylor is the only boy I really want to be close to now. He's my love. I know that I need girlfriends, though. It's important for women to connect with each other...who else would understand them?

I will be sociable. I will make new friends. I will!!