There are so many things that are going through my head right now, at this particular moment. Forgive me, but I need to sort some things out. I guess I'd better get to it.
Something is wrong with my mother. Not like there's something as in she's crazy or I'm annoyed at her, but physically, something is not how it should be. She's had uterine cancer and ovarian cancer before, a good deal of time before I was born in fact. But now there's a threat of something again. What it is we're not sure of, and she's going for another round of testing. Basically, I'm scared. I don't know what this will all mean. Hopefully she can just get a hysterectomy. Or maybe she's experiencing menopause. I've been praying and praying that she can be cured of whatever this is.
Since all of this has been happening, it's caused me to think a lot about the relationship I have with my mom. Would things be different if I wouldn't have moved in with my Dad? I can't tell. I moved to my dad's in the first place because of a few reasons...I knew my mom was getting married to her boyfriend at the time...which would mean we would have to move, I would have had to go to a totally new school, most likely a private one (which I was not wanting to do at the time...sometimes I wish I could have, though. Would have probably been better academically). We had been having typical mom-daughter fights, I felt like she wasn't paying attention to me. If I would have stayed, how would things have turned out? (By the way, this does not mean in any way that I regret moving in with my daddy. I love him very much, and I'm so appreciative for everything he's done for me. I'm glad I got to experience living with him as well) I think that God blesses us all in different ways and has many different ways of teaching us and getting us to depend on him. High school seemed very turbulent for me a lot of the time since there's a lot of family drama. God was the one constant. I think that my relationship with my mom is growing a lot stronger now than it was before. I've read before that relationships with parents will strengthen when the children grow up, because they finalize realize a lot of things and are more mature. Hopefully this is the case?
Another thing I've been thinking about is the future. A lot of my friends have started to become engaged now. Friends that have been dating their S.O.'s for a shorter time than I've been dating Taylor. And I'm now a junior, which at Liberty is primo engagement time. All of the proposals start to pop out around junior year for the girls, and will last until senior year or so, just to make sure girls have an ample amount of time to plan a wedding. I told Taylor that I didn't want to get engaged until after his cousin gets married...I don't want to steal the thunder away from them. I wouldn't want someone in my family doing that to me. This time should be so special for them, so I said I would like to wait until after their wedding, which is in October. With everyone getting engaged more and more, it's hard to be patient and wait. I would wait for Taylor forever, though...it's just getting harder and harder. And with the things we've had to deal with already, I would marry him right now if it were possible. But he's worth it. And our relationship is worth it. So, slow we go.
I feel like I've lost my best friend. We've been growing in different directions for awhile now, but now I'm starting to think she doesn't like me anymore, period. There are a number of things wrong...we don't talk on the phone anymore, or even IM at the very least (part my fault, but also part her fault). I'm not into the same things she's into anymore. I used to be, but eventually I felt way too convicted...I knew I wasn't ready to turn away from God, not that I ever would/could be. And I'm not saying she has either, don't get me wrong, but for me, those things hinder my relationship with Him. So basically a little of this and a little of that and you get two former best friends who don't even talk anymore. And I miss her. I love her and care about her so much...it's insane. She's basically my sister...we've experienced so much together, and now it's like it all counted for nothing. I hope she just knows that I still care about her so so much, and that I want to rekindle our friendship. I wish things could be like they used to be. Somehow, I don't think they will. Either we will have an incredibly mature friendship or we won't really have one at all. I just miss her terribly.
I want to try to be a better sister and aunt.
I need to be more respectful to my dad.
I want to do something positive with my life.
And English 400 may be the most frustrating class I've ever taken. It's too early to tell.
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