Contemplating

I've been slacking. I owe an update. Here we go...

Christmas has come and gone. There was a lot to think about this year. Of course, around Christmastime I always get nostalgic and I wish for things that used to be, but aren't anymore, and will never come to be again. Family is usually a sore subject for me anyway, but during the holidays, it's eve worse. I can hardly remember the years when my parents were married. My brother and I had a long talk about this whole thing (which was really nice, by the way). I guess I feel sometimes like I got the short end of the stick, with my family drama causing the family tree to splinter to the ground. I do know that I love them all, and they all love me, and that is certainly a blessing. But can you blame me for wanting a good, old-fashioned Christmas?

My mom told us that she had to get a biopsy done to see if she has uterine cancer (or some sort of cancer down there). She's had it before, twice if I'm not mistaken. However, I wasn't born yet when she was sick. This is so new to me...it's weird to think about. My mom is the healthiest person in the world. She could put on a few pounds, but she's always been really active, she watches what she eats, doesn't get too angry, hard worker...She had it done 6 days ago. I hope she's alright. We won't find out until next week.

That, however, has caused me to wonder about my own body. I haven't been regular. Ever. It can come for 2 or 3 months in a row, but it almost always ends up skipping the next two months or so. Granted, I'm the most stressed out person I know, but I'm 20 years old...I thought this would be over by now. I need to be more pro-active in taking care of and preserving my femininity.

On another note, Taylor and I are two peas in a pod. He is my best friend. I was able to spend a few days with him over break, and it was lovely. I flew to Ohio and met some of his extended family, and then we traveled back to his house. It was just wonderful to be with him again. It was also nice to see a family who doesn't experience the plagues that my own family has to deal with. God is working within all of them. It's refreshing to see that Satan hasn't had the best of them. Anyway, I felt so relaxed and at home there. I can't wait for experiences like that one!

I feel like God has great things planned for me, but that I am stuck in my own selfishness. I have long-term goals, but the way that I go about things now will probably prevent me in the long run from doing them. I've been thinking about going on a mission trip before I get out of college. I can spend a good amount of time away from ego-centric America and see the needs of others firsthand. I can help them and give all of myself to them. I also think I'm going to start volunteering. LU requires that each student do Christian/Community Service, but I've been doing orchestra because it's the easiest thing to do that fits into my schedule. Again, I'm being selfish. I think if I could volunteer at the library or a food pantry once a week for a couple of hours, that would help me as much as it would help others.

I'm ready to change. I'm ready to quit being tempted by the flesh. I'm ready to just break free of my narcissism. I'm just ready.