I'm supposed to be reading...It's not working very well. I'm at work, and no one needs my help. I keep getting distracted.
A big thing on my mind right now (and basically most moments of my free time) is the future and how I don't want to wait for it. I want to just dive right into my life after graduation. There is nothing I would rather do then marry Taylor tomorrow, start teaching, get prego after a couple of years, travel with Taylor and his ministry...
I know, I know...I'm not even engaged. I believe the technical term for our current status is "engaged to be engaged." No, not promised. That's high school stuff. Every morning when I wake up, when I see my left ring finger, I imagine a ring that isn't there. It's invisible for now, but I know that space will be occupied someday by a symbol of my beloved's love for me. The knowledge that it will be adorned in the near-ish future (before graduation in 1.5 years) fuels me everyday. Taylor has pledged his love for me and I believe him with all of my heart. He got a job for me, a car for me, a phone that works for me...he schedules his life around me. He makes so many sacrifices to prove his love for me...how can I not trust that he loves me?
Speaking of sacrifices to show love...let me talk about the man I loved first in my life...my daddy. This guy has made some ENORMOUS sacrifices for me. He's risked it all so that I could have the things he didn't have. I won't get into all that he's done for me because I don't think he'd like to have to publicized...but just know that he put everything on the line because he loved me so much. I'm so thankful. Even though I'm the typical daughter that gets moody and frustrated and angry, and I may seem unappreciative, I most certainly am not. I am fully aware of all that my daddy has done for me and I will be forever grateful. I can only hope that I can repay him halfway for everything he's done...my father has a good heart.
But anyway...I can't wait to teach. I started my field experience hours at LCA on Friday, and I think it will be marvelous. The kids are adorable. I feel so comfortable being in a classroom with children looking to me for help...I LOVE to help! Being there just confirmed my aspirations to be a teacher.
Hopefully I can start volunteering at the nursery at church. I just love to be around children so much...being a mom someday is going to be great!! However, I want to be sure that I can have Taylor all to myself for a couple of years. He wants to eventually have a travelling ministry, and I want to be able to help whenever, wherever, however I can. I have a feeling that life is going to be very sweet.
God is so wonderful. I'm so thankful for everything He's done! He deserves the most praise and thanks out of anyone in my life...without Him, I wouldn't have these people! I wouldn't have anything! Even though every day is a battle to keep a pure heart, as long as I keep going back to Him, I can do anything. He strengthens me. Praise be to God! Give Him the glory always!
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
Swirling, twirling, hurling through my mind!
There are so many things that are going through my head right now, at this particular moment. Forgive me, but I need to sort some things out. I guess I'd better get to it.
Something is wrong with my mother. Not like there's something as in she's crazy or I'm annoyed at her, but physically, something is not how it should be. She's had uterine cancer and ovarian cancer before, a good deal of time before I was born in fact. But now there's a threat of something again. What it is we're not sure of, and she's going for another round of testing. Basically, I'm scared. I don't know what this will all mean. Hopefully she can just get a hysterectomy. Or maybe she's experiencing menopause. I've been praying and praying that she can be cured of whatever this is.
Since all of this has been happening, it's caused me to think a lot about the relationship I have with my mom. Would things be different if I wouldn't have moved in with my Dad? I can't tell. I moved to my dad's in the first place because of a few reasons...I knew my mom was getting married to her boyfriend at the time...which would mean we would have to move, I would have had to go to a totally new school, most likely a private one (which I was not wanting to do at the time...sometimes I wish I could have, though. Would have probably been better academically). We had been having typical mom-daughter fights, I felt like she wasn't paying attention to me. If I would have stayed, how would things have turned out? (By the way, this does not mean in any way that I regret moving in with my daddy. I love him very much, and I'm so appreciative for everything he's done for me. I'm glad I got to experience living with him as well) I think that God blesses us all in different ways and has many different ways of teaching us and getting us to depend on him. High school seemed very turbulent for me a lot of the time since there's a lot of family drama. God was the one constant. I think that my relationship with my mom is growing a lot stronger now than it was before. I've read before that relationships with parents will strengthen when the children grow up, because they finalize realize a lot of things and are more mature. Hopefully this is the case?
Another thing I've been thinking about is the future. A lot of my friends have started to become engaged now. Friends that have been dating their S.O.'s for a shorter time than I've been dating Taylor. And I'm now a junior, which at Liberty is primo engagement time. All of the proposals start to pop out around junior year for the girls, and will last until senior year or so, just to make sure girls have an ample amount of time to plan a wedding. I told Taylor that I didn't want to get engaged until after his cousin gets married...I don't want to steal the thunder away from them. I wouldn't want someone in my family doing that to me. This time should be so special for them, so I said I would like to wait until after their wedding, which is in October. With everyone getting engaged more and more, it's hard to be patient and wait. I would wait for Taylor forever, though...it's just getting harder and harder. And with the things we've had to deal with already, I would marry him right now if it were possible. But he's worth it. And our relationship is worth it. So, slow we go.
I feel like I've lost my best friend. We've been growing in different directions for awhile now, but now I'm starting to think she doesn't like me anymore, period. There are a number of things wrong...we don't talk on the phone anymore, or even IM at the very least (part my fault, but also part her fault). I'm not into the same things she's into anymore. I used to be, but eventually I felt way too convicted...I knew I wasn't ready to turn away from God, not that I ever would/could be. And I'm not saying she has either, don't get me wrong, but for me, those things hinder my relationship with Him. So basically a little of this and a little of that and you get two former best friends who don't even talk anymore. And I miss her. I love her and care about her so much...it's insane. She's basically my sister...we've experienced so much together, and now it's like it all counted for nothing. I hope she just knows that I still care about her so so much, and that I want to rekindle our friendship. I wish things could be like they used to be. Somehow, I don't think they will. Either we will have an incredibly mature friendship or we won't really have one at all. I just miss her terribly.
I want to try to be a better sister and aunt.
I need to be more respectful to my dad.
I want to do something positive with my life.
And English 400 may be the most frustrating class I've ever taken. It's too early to tell.
Something is wrong with my mother. Not like there's something as in she's crazy or I'm annoyed at her, but physically, something is not how it should be. She's had uterine cancer and ovarian cancer before, a good deal of time before I was born in fact. But now there's a threat of something again. What it is we're not sure of, and she's going for another round of testing. Basically, I'm scared. I don't know what this will all mean. Hopefully she can just get a hysterectomy. Or maybe she's experiencing menopause. I've been praying and praying that she can be cured of whatever this is.
Since all of this has been happening, it's caused me to think a lot about the relationship I have with my mom. Would things be different if I wouldn't have moved in with my Dad? I can't tell. I moved to my dad's in the first place because of a few reasons...I knew my mom was getting married to her boyfriend at the time...which would mean we would have to move, I would have had to go to a totally new school, most likely a private one (which I was not wanting to do at the time...sometimes I wish I could have, though. Would have probably been better academically). We had been having typical mom-daughter fights, I felt like she wasn't paying attention to me. If I would have stayed, how would things have turned out? (By the way, this does not mean in any way that I regret moving in with my daddy. I love him very much, and I'm so appreciative for everything he's done for me. I'm glad I got to experience living with him as well) I think that God blesses us all in different ways and has many different ways of teaching us and getting us to depend on him. High school seemed very turbulent for me a lot of the time since there's a lot of family drama. God was the one constant. I think that my relationship with my mom is growing a lot stronger now than it was before. I've read before that relationships with parents will strengthen when the children grow up, because they finalize realize a lot of things and are more mature. Hopefully this is the case?
Another thing I've been thinking about is the future. A lot of my friends have started to become engaged now. Friends that have been dating their S.O.'s for a shorter time than I've been dating Taylor. And I'm now a junior, which at Liberty is primo engagement time. All of the proposals start to pop out around junior year for the girls, and will last until senior year or so, just to make sure girls have an ample amount of time to plan a wedding. I told Taylor that I didn't want to get engaged until after his cousin gets married...I don't want to steal the thunder away from them. I wouldn't want someone in my family doing that to me. This time should be so special for them, so I said I would like to wait until after their wedding, which is in October. With everyone getting engaged more and more, it's hard to be patient and wait. I would wait for Taylor forever, though...it's just getting harder and harder. And with the things we've had to deal with already, I would marry him right now if it were possible. But he's worth it. And our relationship is worth it. So, slow we go.
I feel like I've lost my best friend. We've been growing in different directions for awhile now, but now I'm starting to think she doesn't like me anymore, period. There are a number of things wrong...we don't talk on the phone anymore, or even IM at the very least (part my fault, but also part her fault). I'm not into the same things she's into anymore. I used to be, but eventually I felt way too convicted...I knew I wasn't ready to turn away from God, not that I ever would/could be. And I'm not saying she has either, don't get me wrong, but for me, those things hinder my relationship with Him. So basically a little of this and a little of that and you get two former best friends who don't even talk anymore. And I miss her. I love her and care about her so much...it's insane. She's basically my sister...we've experienced so much together, and now it's like it all counted for nothing. I hope she just knows that I still care about her so so much, and that I want to rekindle our friendship. I wish things could be like they used to be. Somehow, I don't think they will. Either we will have an incredibly mature friendship or we won't really have one at all. I just miss her terribly.
I want to try to be a better sister and aunt.
I need to be more respectful to my dad.
I want to do something positive with my life.
And English 400 may be the most frustrating class I've ever taken. It's too early to tell.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Lonely, oh so lonely
I've discovered something today. Although I'm social, and I'm acquainted with most people, I don't have any close friends anymore (except for Taylor, but he's my boyfriend, so it's different). I know lots of people, and I've hung out with them before for lunch or at a game or something like that, but I don't have a close friend anymore.
It's even different with my friends from Illinois. We're almost always playing catch-up. That is if we ever talk. My first year at LU, I called someone a few times a week. But there's only so much I can do...the other person has to answer the phone. Or call back. Or heck, even call ME for a change. I rarely get calls from my old friends. I can't remember the last time one of them called me without me calling them first, asking them to call me. It's depressing. I feel that just because I've changed and I don't drink/party anymore, they think I'm a stick in the mud or that I think less of them for doing so. It's actually quite different. While I care about all of them still, and wish they would just think about what they're doing, I still think the world of all of them. They're all special people...so talented, smart, funny...I miss them. But, like I said, there's only so much I can do before giving up. I'm almost there.
As for people at school, this might be my fault. I was close with a few people, and then I started dating Taylor. Summer came, and then it was fall. I had missed Taylor so much, I wanted to spend a lot of time with him catching up. I wanted to see my friends, too, but at that point, Taylor hadn't learned to share me yet. (Thankfully now, since we've seriously talked about it, he understands and is fine with me spending time with other people. We still are constantly learning about each other...every day.) I was okay with spending my extra time with Taylor...we were in love! Then a few of my friends got involved in a lot of drama that I wanted to stay out of. It wasn't really my business, and since I've grown up a little, I avoid petty arguments and stupid situations like the plague. It brought my friends closer to other people. Then one of my other friends decided to go to a different school. I'm not mad at her for it or anything...it was the best decision for her and I know she's happier elsewhere, but I began to distance myself from her. I didn't realize I was doing it until later. I guess I did that because I didn't want to experience the sting of losing a friend.
This summer, I was working at a camp and I made some really great friends. I was friends with a great group of girls and it was wonderful bonding with them and spending time with them. Summer came to an end and we split apart. I live the furthest away...it's a far stretch if anyone wants to see me. Now I barely talk to them as well.
This semester will be different. I will be pro-active when it comes to camaraderie. I'm going to make more friends at work. I'm joining Kappa Delta Pi, which is the organization for teacher wannabes. I'm going to try to reconnect with a few old friends from last school year. I'm going to make friends in my new classes, maybe go to some study groups. I could care less if I were friends with other boys...Taylor is the only boy I really want to be close to now. He's my love. I know that I need girlfriends, though. It's important for women to connect with each other...who else would understand them?
I will be sociable. I will make new friends. I will!!
It's even different with my friends from Illinois. We're almost always playing catch-up. That is if we ever talk. My first year at LU, I called someone a few times a week. But there's only so much I can do...the other person has to answer the phone. Or call back. Or heck, even call ME for a change. I rarely get calls from my old friends. I can't remember the last time one of them called me without me calling them first, asking them to call me. It's depressing. I feel that just because I've changed and I don't drink/party anymore, they think I'm a stick in the mud or that I think less of them for doing so. It's actually quite different. While I care about all of them still, and wish they would just think about what they're doing, I still think the world of all of them. They're all special people...so talented, smart, funny...I miss them. But, like I said, there's only so much I can do before giving up. I'm almost there.
As for people at school, this might be my fault. I was close with a few people, and then I started dating Taylor. Summer came, and then it was fall. I had missed Taylor so much, I wanted to spend a lot of time with him catching up. I wanted to see my friends, too, but at that point, Taylor hadn't learned to share me yet. (Thankfully now, since we've seriously talked about it, he understands and is fine with me spending time with other people. We still are constantly learning about each other...every day.) I was okay with spending my extra time with Taylor...we were in love! Then a few of my friends got involved in a lot of drama that I wanted to stay out of. It wasn't really my business, and since I've grown up a little, I avoid petty arguments and stupid situations like the plague. It brought my friends closer to other people. Then one of my other friends decided to go to a different school. I'm not mad at her for it or anything...it was the best decision for her and I know she's happier elsewhere, but I began to distance myself from her. I didn't realize I was doing it until later. I guess I did that because I didn't want to experience the sting of losing a friend.
This summer, I was working at a camp and I made some really great friends. I was friends with a great group of girls and it was wonderful bonding with them and spending time with them. Summer came to an end and we split apart. I live the furthest away...it's a far stretch if anyone wants to see me. Now I barely talk to them as well.
This semester will be different. I will be pro-active when it comes to camaraderie. I'm going to make more friends at work. I'm joining Kappa Delta Pi, which is the organization for teacher wannabes. I'm going to try to reconnect with a few old friends from last school year. I'm going to make friends in my new classes, maybe go to some study groups. I could care less if I were friends with other boys...Taylor is the only boy I really want to be close to now. He's my love. I know that I need girlfriends, though. It's important for women to connect with each other...who else would understand them?
I will be sociable. I will make new friends. I will!!
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Contemplating
I've been slacking. I owe an update. Here we go...
Christmas has come and gone. There was a lot to think about this year. Of course, around Christmastime I always get nostalgic and I wish for things that used to be, but aren't anymore, and will never come to be again. Family is usually a sore subject for me anyway, but during the holidays, it's eve worse. I can hardly remember the years when my parents were married. My brother and I had a long talk about this whole thing (which was really nice, by the way). I guess I feel sometimes like I got the short end of the stick, with my family drama causing the family tree to splinter to the ground. I do know that I love them all, and they all love me, and that is certainly a blessing. But can you blame me for wanting a good, old-fashioned Christmas?
My mom told us that she had to get a biopsy done to see if she has uterine cancer (or some sort of cancer down there). She's had it before, twice if I'm not mistaken. However, I wasn't born yet when she was sick. This is so new to me...it's weird to think about. My mom is the healthiest person in the world. She could put on a few pounds, but she's always been really active, she watches what she eats, doesn't get too angry, hard worker...She had it done 6 days ago. I hope she's alright. We won't find out until next week.
That, however, has caused me to wonder about my own body. I haven't been regular. Ever. It can come for 2 or 3 months in a row, but it almost always ends up skipping the next two months or so. Granted, I'm the most stressed out person I know, but I'm 20 years old...I thought this would be over by now. I need to be more pro-active in taking care of and preserving my femininity.
On another note, Taylor and I are two peas in a pod. He is my best friend. I was able to spend a few days with him over break, and it was lovely. I flew to Ohio and met some of his extended family, and then we traveled back to his house. It was just wonderful to be with him again. It was also nice to see a family who doesn't experience the plagues that my own family has to deal with. God is working within all of them. It's refreshing to see that Satan hasn't had the best of them. Anyway, I felt so relaxed and at home there. I can't wait for experiences like that one!
I feel like God has great things planned for me, but that I am stuck in my own selfishness. I have long-term goals, but the way that I go about things now will probably prevent me in the long run from doing them. I've been thinking about going on a mission trip before I get out of college. I can spend a good amount of time away from ego-centric America and see the needs of others firsthand. I can help them and give all of myself to them. I also think I'm going to start volunteering. LU requires that each student do Christian/Community Service, but I've been doing orchestra because it's the easiest thing to do that fits into my schedule. Again, I'm being selfish. I think if I could volunteer at the library or a food pantry once a week for a couple of hours, that would help me as much as it would help others.
I'm ready to change. I'm ready to quit being tempted by the flesh. I'm ready to just break free of my narcissism. I'm just ready.
Christmas has come and gone. There was a lot to think about this year. Of course, around Christmastime I always get nostalgic and I wish for things that used to be, but aren't anymore, and will never come to be again. Family is usually a sore subject for me anyway, but during the holidays, it's eve worse. I can hardly remember the years when my parents were married. My brother and I had a long talk about this whole thing (which was really nice, by the way). I guess I feel sometimes like I got the short end of the stick, with my family drama causing the family tree to splinter to the ground. I do know that I love them all, and they all love me, and that is certainly a blessing. But can you blame me for wanting a good, old-fashioned Christmas?
My mom told us that she had to get a biopsy done to see if she has uterine cancer (or some sort of cancer down there). She's had it before, twice if I'm not mistaken. However, I wasn't born yet when she was sick. This is so new to me...it's weird to think about. My mom is the healthiest person in the world. She could put on a few pounds, but she's always been really active, she watches what she eats, doesn't get too angry, hard worker...She had it done 6 days ago. I hope she's alright. We won't find out until next week.
That, however, has caused me to wonder about my own body. I haven't been regular. Ever. It can come for 2 or 3 months in a row, but it almost always ends up skipping the next two months or so. Granted, I'm the most stressed out person I know, but I'm 20 years old...I thought this would be over by now. I need to be more pro-active in taking care of and preserving my femininity.
On another note, Taylor and I are two peas in a pod. He is my best friend. I was able to spend a few days with him over break, and it was lovely. I flew to Ohio and met some of his extended family, and then we traveled back to his house. It was just wonderful to be with him again. It was also nice to see a family who doesn't experience the plagues that my own family has to deal with. God is working within all of them. It's refreshing to see that Satan hasn't had the best of them. Anyway, I felt so relaxed and at home there. I can't wait for experiences like that one!
I feel like God has great things planned for me, but that I am stuck in my own selfishness. I have long-term goals, but the way that I go about things now will probably prevent me in the long run from doing them. I've been thinking about going on a mission trip before I get out of college. I can spend a good amount of time away from ego-centric America and see the needs of others firsthand. I can help them and give all of myself to them. I also think I'm going to start volunteering. LU requires that each student do Christian/Community Service, but I've been doing orchestra because it's the easiest thing to do that fits into my schedule. Again, I'm being selfish. I think if I could volunteer at the library or a food pantry once a week for a couple of hours, that would help me as much as it would help others.
I'm ready to change. I'm ready to quit being tempted by the flesh. I'm ready to just break free of my narcissism. I'm just ready.
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