Rain, Rain, Go Away!

That song was always depressing. I like the rain. Well, the sound of it, anyway. Makes for some good reading atmosphere, especially when it's been a blah sort of day. Or rather semester. I've been having the same problems over and over again. When I think they've finally gone away for good, they just come back and bite me.

A small thing is just too much schoolwork. I try to balance all of the work I have to do with trying to have a healthy social life and keeping myself healthy and well, it doesn't exactly work all of the time. I get swamped with different assignments and deadlines, I end up hanging out with just Taylor, hardly spend time with my dad, don't get enough rest at all....then I fall behind. I end up praying that my teachers give me grace that I truly don't deserve. Sometimes I get it, sometimes I don't. It's frustrating just trying to be enough.

The second thing, and probably the most stressful thing, is the relationship I'm in. The relationship between me and Taylor, considering just the two of us, is great. We talk things out, we make each other laugh, we trust each other completely, we try to lead to other to God (we still work very hard on that one...that's not where it should be but we are trying!). But when you try to factor in that we don't have a lot of money, that presents a bit of a problem. Like we don't go out a lot anymore, and then Taylor and my dad bump heads. Or rather Taylor's head gets bumped. I don't think that my dad likes Taylor. If he did, I'm not sure he does anymore. Maybe he has the potential to like him (or like him again), but there are a few things preventing that I guess. Like Taylor getting a degree in Worship with a business specialization. To my dad, that's a worthless degree he can't get a job with. Taylor has ADD, and to my dad, that's a scapegoat for all of the problems that occur in Taylor's or my life. I've been paying for more stuff lately, so I'm dating him instead of him dating me. Basically it all comes to one huge nuclear climax, and there is no resolution in sight.

I never dreamed this for myself. When I was younger, I imagined a perfect life; when you're young you're completely unaware of all the bad things around you...and of course nothing bad will ever happen to you. I thought I'd be living by myself by now, graduating college early, having a double major, a cool car, cool pets, tons of friends, a fiancee, parents that were married, brother and sister who call me or I call them daily......but I don't have that. Life got in the way. The plans that I had for myself went down the drain. Granted, I've changed job prospects hundreds of times since I was little, but the idea remained the same...I would work so hard to get ahead, get lots of friends and family support, and have all of my dreams come true. I guess God has something else in store for me. I just wish it were something good for a change. That'd be nice.

I keep praying for some kind of resolution, but I don't see one. A future with Taylor looks bleaker and bleaker sometimes. I wouldn't trade him for the world, but sometimes I worry about how we'll make it. I want some friends. I'm supposed to have the greatest friends in the world...that's what college is for, right? Maybe not. The best friends I used to have are gone now. Sometimes it's hard to think that they still care. The friends I have at Liberty don't really ask me to do anything unless they need a ride or something. I feel that most of my friendships there are conditional. That's the downside of not living in the dorms I guess. I feel very lonely.

It's growing harder and harder to fill the void. I would love to fill it with some Jesus, but that doesn't even seem like it works. I can't seem to let go of my dreams and replace them with God's.

I hope that this will be fixed sometime soon. It's getting to be all too much anymore. It's getting old. I don't want to deal with it anymore; I'm sick of it. When will it change?