A, C....natural.....E...flat...ural!

I feel very optimistic today.

Last week was spring break, and the preparation for that was brutal. I had so many things due and so much reading to catch up on that I was very overwhelmed. I made it through about three major papers, two books, a few short responses, more than a few essays, and hours of wind ensemble rehearsal.

Spring break was a lot of fun. Wind ensemble went on its annual tour, and this year we went north, with the apex of our journey residing in Vermont. I was able to see Washington, D.C for the first time, and we stopped in Manhattan, N.Y.C. for a couple of hours. I stayed in Amish country and in Harlem, and I had the most epic of failures during my snowboarding attempt while in Vermont. Spending so much time on a charter bus that just fits our 58-person roster was definitely interesting...we all got on each others' nerves at one point or another; I even cried. Twice. It was a fantastic learning experience; I learned to be appreciative for the things I have, thankful for the things I don't have to experience, and how to be friends with another person under close quarters. I made a stronger bond with a few girls over this trip, and got to know a few more people that I had not known before. :D I'd like to promise that I would post pictures, but I never seem to get around to doing that.... Perhaps I'll do a few picture-and-caption posts later on. I don't know.

Spring break provided me insight, relaxation, and mental rest, all of which I was desperately in need of. I am back at school feeling more positive about the rest of the semester and the rest of my time at Liberty. I register for classes at midnight after tomorrow evening, and I have sorted out the other three semesters. It's very real that I am graduating very soon. I feel organized, and I realized that my academic loads won't be as stressful. With my intended schedule for next semester, I will be done with my classes by noon, I will be able to work daytime study hall, and I will able to spend time at home most evenings, which will be nice because....

WE ARE GETTING A HOUSE! My dad and I live in a townhouse apartment right now. We've had it longer than we expected because of financial stuff just not clicking last spring. But now, everything was approved well enough in advance, and we've got the green light to make our selection. This weekend, we will choose our new home from 4 houses. I am so excited. I think that having more space will make my relationship with my dad stronger and it will make/keep both of us happier more times than not. I cannot wait to tend to actual household chores. Also, we are going to be keeping my brother's dog, George, with us since my brother will be on location for a year for the Army. It will be beneficial for us to have a pet again; pets generally make humans happier, and when I am gone, my dad will appreciate having someone to hang out with, even if the dog has ADHD (he actually probably really does!).

I am doing my best to be ultra supportive of Taylor in every facet of his life. I listen to his song drafts, give my opinions...I help him with his music theory homework. Today I made him flashcards of the main chords he needs to know, since he's not so good with accidentals. Since he's a worship major, he needs to be firm with his classical musical background training...the basics are a must! I quizzed him today on some of them, and he did alright, but there's still room for improvement. I told him that he should keep the flashcards with him all of the time, and that I would quiz him periodically. He will also have them for reference in case he is ever confused. I hope that he is active in using them, though, because they will help a lot. I'm very thankful that Taylor and I have awesome problem-solving methods. No matter the issue, we always work it out soon after or even during the fight. We do not let it bake. Because of this, we always end up perfectly fine and stronger than we were before. :)

My mom called and wants to fly me home for Easter. I really would like to go, especially since my brother's birthday falls on Easter, but that would leave my dad here by himself. He's unsure of whether he wants me to go or not...I don't blame him. I might tell my mom that I'm not going to come...I do not want my dad to spend any holiday by himself. Hopefully she will be able to fly out to see me sometime in April.

Things are going so well. The big one-year anniversary is coming up in about 2 weeks...I couldn't be more excited or in love! Taylor made me try on some rings at the jewelry store yesterday (we were there to pick up a necklace chain that I had broken before...gold sauntering is the most amazing thing!). Of course I couldn't refuse! He's been keeping his eye out on prices and designs...everything is finally seeming real!

Awaiting Vermont!

It's been far too long since I've posted. So, here's a brief update.

1)My mom is A-OK!! She has no cancer, but we've found out that she is anemic. That's not such a big deal compared to the big C...she just needs to take her prescription and eat right, and she's all set!

2)I received a first round of the HPV vaccine. It's always a good thing to be protected from a few of the main cancers, especially when there's a history of it in your family. I go next in April, and then August.

3)Taylor and I had our 11-month mark yesterday. It's been a whirlwind so far, but I wouldn't have had it any other way.

4)My friends keep getting engaged. I found out about one last week or so, and another one last night. I'm getting antsy. Haha. When you know, you know, right? Right!

5)I'm officially swamped with schoolwork. There is no end at the light of the tunnel. At least until May.

I've been trying really hard to achieve a balance between school, work, family, and boyfriend, but it is really hard, especially when it's hard to even make time for the Lord. I've been scrambling to get things done in time for Spring Break, which is next week. The wind ensemble is going to Vermont for it's spring trip, and I would like to get paper writing out of the way so that the only thing I will have to worry about (actually be able to do) on the trip is reading.

I'm really excited to do my lesson plans. I feel more and more confident in my new major. I changed last semester from music education to elementary education, and I really do feel like I fit better in this field. Everything just adds up and works out right!

I'm pledging Kappa Delta Pi this semester. It's not a typical sorority...it's the "professional society for education majors." Add a couple of service projects and fundraisers on to the other 3850928 things I have to do, and you have a bald Hilary. I'm not losing my hair yet, but I've been yanking it for 2 months straight.

This is what I love though. It's sick. I LOVE schoolwork. I absolutely love everything about it. I love to be busy, I love to learn. So I guess I secretly like being stressed.

It burns calories.

I really enjoy the wee hours of the morning. Everything is quiet.

No cars driving around outside, no trains. No televisions, no radios. No chatter, no cooking.

Silence.

It's refreshing, really. I usually am sleeping at this time, but I can't. So I've stayed up to read. I might take a nap before I get ready for school, but I'm not sure at this point.

I've been thinking a lot about how much I've changed.
When I was little, I thought marriage was a nice thing. I thought about what my wedding would be like, but I never focused on it at all. Sure, my Barbies had weddings occasionally. But I never was a bride for Halloween, and when I played house there wasn't a man there. Just a woman living with her friends or her family, making it on her own. Then I became a tomboy for awhile. Of course I wouldn't admit to wanting a boy to comfort me then! I wanted to be one! Thank goodness that phase didn't last too terribly long. Then there were the years where I was completely shallow. I tried to dumb myself down to make me look cooler to my friends...that didn't work very well, my dad caught on to that one (good thing, too...I actually love school). I got caught up in make-up, pop culture, and psuedo-relationships that only last two weeks, but it seems like they last forever. High school...different thing altogther. Emo phase...I don't want to talk about that. There is no reason to be emo when God has given you so many blessings!! Don't think you have any? Try these: you have atoms bonding together, creating your entire body. Blood pumping through your veins, a brain that functions by itself, about a thousand involuntary, neccessary actions that happen all the time (blinking, heart beat, breathing, growth). You have air to breathe, clothes to wear, food to eat. You may not be happy with those things, but they're there nonetheless.

Anyway. I grew past emoculture to be a generally happy person, thanks to Jesus and dance team. After a rough first year of college, I'm happily settled into my third year, and I want to be married more than anything. I can't wait until Taylor proposes; I know he will. I find myself fantasizing more and more what it will be like. I'm a big planner...I've started thinking ahead already!! It's hard to just enjoy dating when I already know who I want to spend the rest of my life with.

It's essential to remember and learn from your past, and to hope for the future, but it's even more neccessary to remember the NOW. Bask in the present, it will always be here.

playlist

American Boy- Estelle & Kanye West
Kiss- The Submarines
Mercy- Duffy
Saw Her Standing There- Paul McCartney or The Beatles
I'm Still In Love With You- Al Green

A prayer

Heavenly Father,

I pray that You help me make it. I feel so overwhelmed. Please, so me what You intend for me. I feel like a joke....I feel struggle. Please help me.

I don't know what you want me to do....enlighten me. I can't stay focused, I can't stay determined.

Illuminate me, Lord. Give me time. Lengthen my days and nights.

Help me grow, Father. Please. I thank You for these kinds of issues because I know I could have it so much worse. Use me and the way I solve problems...help me be an encouragement to someone else using the things You give me.

I ask for Your blessings, always.

Whistle while you work!

I'm supposed to be reading...It's not working very well. I'm at work, and no one needs my help. I keep getting distracted.

A big thing on my mind right now (and basically most moments of my free time) is the future and how I don't want to wait for it. I want to just dive right into my life after graduation. There is nothing I would rather do then marry Taylor tomorrow, start teaching, get prego after a couple of years, travel with Taylor and his ministry...

I know, I know...I'm not even engaged. I believe the technical term for our current status is "engaged to be engaged." No, not promised. That's high school stuff. Every morning when I wake up, when I see my left ring finger, I imagine a ring that isn't there. It's invisible for now, but I know that space will be occupied someday by a symbol of my beloved's love for me. The knowledge that it will be adorned in the near-ish future (before graduation in 1.5 years) fuels me everyday. Taylor has pledged his love for me and I believe him with all of my heart. He got a job for me, a car for me, a phone that works for me...he schedules his life around me. He makes so many sacrifices to prove his love for me...how can I not trust that he loves me?

Speaking of sacrifices to show love...let me talk about the man I loved first in my life...my daddy. This guy has made some ENORMOUS sacrifices for me. He's risked it all so that I could have the things he didn't have. I won't get into all that he's done for me because I don't think he'd like to have to publicized...but just know that he put everything on the line because he loved me so much. I'm so thankful. Even though I'm the typical daughter that gets moody and frustrated and angry, and I may seem unappreciative, I most certainly am not. I am fully aware of all that my daddy has done for me and I will be forever grateful. I can only hope that I can repay him halfway for everything he's done...my father has a good heart.

But anyway...I can't wait to teach. I started my field experience hours at LCA on Friday, and I think it will be marvelous. The kids are adorable. I feel so comfortable being in a classroom with children looking to me for help...I LOVE to help! Being there just confirmed my aspirations to be a teacher.

Hopefully I can start volunteering at the nursery at church. I just love to be around children so much...being a mom someday is going to be great!! However, I want to be sure that I can have Taylor all to myself for a couple of years. He wants to eventually have a travelling ministry, and I want to be able to help whenever, wherever, however I can. I have a feeling that life is going to be very sweet.

God is so wonderful. I'm so thankful for everything He's done! He deserves the most praise and thanks out of anyone in my life...without Him, I wouldn't have these people! I wouldn't have anything! Even though every day is a battle to keep a pure heart, as long as I keep going back to Him, I can do anything. He strengthens me. Praise be to God! Give Him the glory always!

Swirling, twirling, hurling through my mind!

There are so many things that are going through my head right now, at this particular moment. Forgive me, but I need to sort some things out. I guess I'd better get to it.

Something is wrong with my mother. Not like there's something as in she's crazy or I'm annoyed at her, but physically, something is not how it should be. She's had uterine cancer and ovarian cancer before, a good deal of time before I was born in fact. But now there's a threat of something again. What it is we're not sure of, and she's going for another round of testing. Basically, I'm scared. I don't know what this will all mean. Hopefully she can just get a hysterectomy. Or maybe she's experiencing menopause. I've been praying and praying that she can be cured of whatever this is.

Since all of this has been happening, it's caused me to think a lot about the relationship I have with my mom. Would things be different if I wouldn't have moved in with my Dad? I can't tell. I moved to my dad's in the first place because of a few reasons...I knew my mom was getting married to her boyfriend at the time...which would mean we would have to move, I would have had to go to a totally new school, most likely a private one (which I was not wanting to do at the time...sometimes I wish I could have, though. Would have probably been better academically). We had been having typical mom-daughter fights, I felt like she wasn't paying attention to me. If I would have stayed, how would things have turned out? (By the way, this does not mean in any way that I regret moving in with my daddy. I love him very much, and I'm so appreciative for everything he's done for me. I'm glad I got to experience living with him as well) I think that God blesses us all in different ways and has many different ways of teaching us and getting us to depend on him. High school seemed very turbulent for me a lot of the time since there's a lot of family drama. God was the one constant. I think that my relationship with my mom is growing a lot stronger now than it was before. I've read before that relationships with parents will strengthen when the children grow up, because they finalize realize a lot of things and are more mature. Hopefully this is the case?

Another thing I've been thinking about is the future. A lot of my friends have started to become engaged now. Friends that have been dating their S.O.'s for a shorter time than I've been dating Taylor. And I'm now a junior, which at Liberty is primo engagement time. All of the proposals start to pop out around junior year for the girls, and will last until senior year or so, just to make sure girls have an ample amount of time to plan a wedding. I told Taylor that I didn't want to get engaged until after his cousin gets married...I don't want to steal the thunder away from them. I wouldn't want someone in my family doing that to me. This time should be so special for them, so I said I would like to wait until after their wedding, which is in October. With everyone getting engaged more and more, it's hard to be patient and wait. I would wait for Taylor forever, though...it's just getting harder and harder. And with the things we've had to deal with already, I would marry him right now if it were possible. But he's worth it. And our relationship is worth it. So, slow we go.

I feel like I've lost my best friend. We've been growing in different directions for awhile now, but now I'm starting to think she doesn't like me anymore, period. There are a number of things wrong...we don't talk on the phone anymore, or even IM at the very least (part my fault, but also part her fault). I'm not into the same things she's into anymore. I used to be, but eventually I felt way too convicted...I knew I wasn't ready to turn away from God, not that I ever would/could be. And I'm not saying she has either, don't get me wrong, but for me, those things hinder my relationship with Him. So basically a little of this and a little of that and you get two former best friends who don't even talk anymore. And I miss her. I love her and care about her so much...it's insane. She's basically my sister...we've experienced so much together, and now it's like it all counted for nothing. I hope she just knows that I still care about her so so much, and that I want to rekindle our friendship. I wish things could be like they used to be. Somehow, I don't think they will. Either we will have an incredibly mature friendship or we won't really have one at all. I just miss her terribly.

I want to try to be a better sister and aunt.
I need to be more respectful to my dad.
I want to do something positive with my life.
And English 400 may be the most frustrating class I've ever taken. It's too early to tell.